Saturday, July 25, 2009

Bad Dog

I'm getting paid 40 bucks to briefly hang out with this dog. It hunts male caucasians like the Predator did in that movie Predator. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
(Note: This is not a real picture of the dog. )

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Unsuccessful Children's Cartoons

Okay, I'm not going to lie to you... these are all real cartoons that never aired.

Plot: A small group of anthropomorphic salt shakers wage war against normal pepper shakers in a small house and every episode they accidently kill the owners in horrific mishaps.

Title: Shaking Down the House
Alternate Title: Sodium Kills

Plot: Three girls tour around Canada as musicians. Everywhere they stop, they have to solve the murder of a pedestrian (that they killed on accident). The ghost of the pedestrian chases them at the end of every episode. One of the girls uses her ghost whispering skills to convince it to listen to them play a crappy pop song and afterwards they play laser tag. At the end of the episode one of the girls uses her slaying skills to kill the ghost.

Title: We Know What We Did Last Summer
Alternate Title: Canada is Weird

Plot: A young white girl starts high school and joins what she thinks is a crime fighting team. Turns out she's part of an intercity gang. She's given a new mission every episode that usually involves her dealing with rival gangs, the mafia, Oprah's Book Club, the Triad, Wal-Mart, and Irish potato farmers. And when ever she gets into a compromising position, footage of Lindsay Lohan out on the town is shown. (Kinda like a reverse Lizzie McGuire)

Title: I'm Going... Downtown
Alternate Title: Working Girl

(Note: I wrote this a long time ago and it makes me feel embarrassed.)

Friday, July 10, 2009

This Pug Wants You To Be Happy

Neptunegrand said he was having "a really crappy day" on Twitter today. This little pug wants to make him happy.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

94 Awful Short Movie Reviews: Part Applesauce

Nancy Drew | Julia Robert is so old but thankfully we have Emma Roberts to take her place. My favorite line in the movie is, "And kids will love it cause they can make chocolate pasta!"

The Fall | WTF! Awesome! Lee Pace! It's seriously so amazing that it made me go blind but then it healed me!

Nim's Island | Abigail Breslin and Jodie Foster in the same film! A+ Oh yeah and that guy who starred in 300 is in it... whatever!

Meet the Robinsons | Its was terrible but that was expected. The only part that wasn't terrible was this:
Grandpa Bud: I think my wife's baking cookies.
[opens a door; his wife is dancing in a disco dance floor]
Grandpa Bud: Bake them cookies, Lucille!

An American Haunting | It was creative but not creative enough to make me squeal like a little baby panda.

No Reservations | Abigail Breslin is in it so it gets an A+

S. Darko: A Donnie Darko Tale | It was creative and interesting but it had one-to-many actors from the CW! Daveigh Chase was awesome in it. Sadly that actress who played that super slut in that movie that was called Showgirls that sucked is in it...

Spring Breakdown | Its like a cornucopia of my favorite actresses... and oh yeah, Rachel Dratch is in it as well. I'm just kidding! She's cool too! Amber Tamblyn! Parker Posey! Missi Pyle! Amy Poehler! Sarah Hagan! Jane Lynch! Rachel Dratch!

Superman Doomsday | It made me cry like a little bitch because of one little scene that I don't want to think about cause it'll make me cry again.

The Thing | It was really cool in a really gross way.

The Muppets Take Manhattan | I'm not really sure what to say but here's a quote from the Simpsons:
Bart: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man… (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don't know.

Empire Records | It's an awesome movie with a bunch of music in it that I don't care about.

Muppets from Space | Well... its got muppets in it and some of them are from space!

College Road Trip | Raven-Symoné can make any movie enjoyable not matter how awful it is!

Mermaids | Its got Christina Ricci, Winona Ryder, and Cher! A+

Bram Stoker's Dracula | I watched it because Winona Ryder was in it... Winona Ryder!