Sunday, February 22, 2009

SCUBA: Something Creepy Under Boat Ahh!

This is something I wrote way back in the sixties. The sixties was a time of free cauliflower and underrated presidential candidates. A time when being Jewish was edgy and shark wrestling was just starting to catch on. In the sixties you could marry a cougar but only in International Waters... the times sure have changed.
Anyways this is something I wrote and I'm embarrassed by it, so relish in the embarrassmentality of it all!
The Dodo
(or Why We Don't Smoke in Bed)

Martha Tellicus had never noticed the way her room was on fire before. Martha Tellicus soon realized it normally wasn't on fire. Quickly jumping out the window, she noticed for the very first time that she lived on the 67th floor. Falling to her death wasn't fun, but it had to be done. The last thing she thought about before going splat were the lyrics to Hollaback Girl.

Later that morning the entire building had burned to the ground, leaving nothing but ash and lots of jewelry that the apartment owners had been stealing from the supermarket across the street. Detectives from the City of Lemon had been transferred to the city of Tallis Moon recently. Nothing good would come of this.

"So it's safe to assume that this building burned down by natural causes, right?" Mal Content asked the man behind the hot dog vendor.

"No speaka engrish!" replied the man.

"I can to speak English!" Yelled Mal. "I can also speak dog! Now attack this man my faithful doggies!"

All the dogs that were on display at the vendor looked at Mal Content and then one said, "He is obviously off he's rocker cause I don't see it anywhere. Now let's all go back to the ocean and join our brethren, the seals."

The doggies ran off and the man chased after them. Mal Content, being a detective and all, was immediately distracted by the bright colors of a car that was driving slowly by him. He giddily danced over to it.

An old man was inside of the vehicle. Since Mal hated old people with an unhealthy passion, he grabbed a nearby bat and started smashing the vehicle in order to show the old man who was boss. The bat shrieked loudly and tried to fly away, then a strange man with long black hair walked over and bit the bat's head off.

The man then handed Mal a mace and said, "Hit him with this!"

"Thanks Ozymandias," said Mal for that was his name. "Let's do lunch sometime."

Mal soon had turned the car into a cube and the old man inside was most likely crushed. Instead of being crushed inside the car cube the old man had apparently self destructed, for he was a robot.

Night quickly fell on the City of Callis Moon. Many people died and there was a mass burial. Mal was unharmed and went to the local Ice Cream shop. On the way there a musical virus had broken out in the downtown area. The song the infectees sang went like this,

It burns my insides
It feels like one of those Disneyland rides

We know what we want
We want a cure
Oh yeah
We really do
Oh yeah
We want a cure
That man over there looks like a physician
Let's make an executive decision
Okay we'll beat him up if he does not
Give us a cure like he should or ought

We know what we want
We want a cure
Oh yeah
We really do
Oh yeah
We want a cure

They continued singing but the lyrics got really obscene. Mal quickly ducked into the Ice Cream shop.
"Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed a choir of women.

"That'll be four ninety-five." Said the man behind the counter.

"But I haven't gotten my Ice Cream yet!" cried Mal.

"Oh," laughed the owner. "We don't sell ice cream anymore. We sell screams. Didn't you see the sign outside? It says I S'cream now."

Mal turned towards the door but quickly decided not to leave yet. It looked like the musical virus was spreading fast and the infected just started singing a song about flatulence. The song involved detailed descriptions on what it smells like.

"Do you have a back way out, Panderic?" asked Mal Politely.

"I was going to say that Mal!" yelled Mal Content. "So do you have a back way out?"

Panderic pointed to a doggie door behind the counter. Mal Content left Mal Politely and Panderic to talk amongst themselves.
The doggie door lead to a dark alley.

"Thank goodness," he sighed. "No musical infectees."

"You must follow the signs! They will lead you to the evidence that is required!" moaned a frog that appeared out of nowhere. He was sitting on a little cloud.

"How did you get here?" shrieked Mal.

"Well the author noticed that the burned down apartment building was not being investigated, so he decided to write me in so that I'd tell you to get back on the case. I think its called deus ex machina. But I probably wasn't suppose to tell you that."

"Is that all? I was expecting a really interesting explanation." Exclaimed Mal sadly.

The frog shrugged and disappeared.

Mal looked around for a sign to follow. Since there weren't any he walked out of the alley. Then Mal saw a gigantic neon sign. It said,

If You Feel Fat and Tired, You Probably Are!
Come to Mona C. and find out why!

"I'm coming Mona!" cried Mal as he took off in the direction of Mona C.'s casino/nightclub/steakhouse.