Thursday, December 31, 2009

UPDATED: Rough Draft of Short Film Script

UPDATE: I changed some dialogue in the first 3 pages and I hopefully fixed all the spelling error. I guess its not really a rough draft anymore...

I wrote this for my screenwriting class. The reason it's a "rough draft" is because I haven't really looked over it completely. My mom read it multiple times though so the grammar and stuff is probably okay. I'm planning on refining it soon.
If for some cosmic reason you've happened upon this and have time to read it please let me know what you think in the comments below.

(24 PAGES)
Andrew Gleason's Updated Short Film Script

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Felicia Day Is The Real Deal

Way back during that three day shoot for The Guild's second season here at my apartment complex, something special happened.
Here's a tale of misunderstanding, understanding, and kindness:

On the first day of the shoot I had a hard time fitting in with the crew which makes sense. I obviously didn't belong. Around lunchtime I had finally infiltrated myself amongst the guys who moved the lights around.

At some point Felicia came over and told everybody that they needed to be quieter. (I have a hard time recalling exactly what people say to me. That also goes for what I've said too so bear with me.) I responded to that by saying that I didn't see any problem with how loud everybody was talking. Then I asked her if one of the residents had said something to her because they should have come to me about it. Felicia said no. It was just something she wanted the crew to do. I then said something about how it really wasn't a problem. Then Felicia said that I was undermining her. (At that point some of the crew made that weird sound people make when they find out somebody's in trouble.) That made me feel really stupid because that's exactly what I was doing. I shouldn't have been saying that because she's the BOSS. She wanted the crew to be quieter. I didn't need to open my big mouth and say that what she wanted wasn't necessary.

After that I ended up mostly staying in my apartment and by the end of the day I started having one of my trademark identity crises. I kept questioning who I was. Why would I have done something like that? The real me wouldn't have done that. I also kept beating myself up over what happened. "You're so stupid. You're so stupid."

When the crew started packing up I was sitting outside next to my apartment. I was kind of huddled up with my back against the wall. "You're so stupid. You're so stupid." I watched crew members carrying stuff down the stairs and then I saw Felicia walking towards me. (Now remember I can't recall exactly what either of us said.) She came over to say goodbye to me but she noticed something was wrong and asked me if I was okay. I said no and then she asked me what was bothering me. I told her that I didn't want to bother her with it. She seemed really concerned though so I ended up telling her. While explaining and also apologizing, for what I'd said earlier, I broke down in tears. (I'm a very emotional person.)

I told her about what I'd really been trying to say at lunchtime. (I usually have a really hard time saying exactly what I want to say because my mind is constantly all over the place. It's extremely hard to focus my thoughts into one coherent thought or argument. Because of that I end up sounding kinda stupid sometimes and I also say more than I really should or need to say.) What I'd wanted to say was this: If a resident had been complaining I wanted to know about it. The residents didn't have any right to complain to Felicia or one of the crew members because we have this weird rule that says that the kids who live here can make as much noise as they want from sometime in the morning till 8:00 PM.

I also ended up telling Felicia about this thing I do to myself. I've said or done a lot of stupid, rude, and mean things in my life either in person or on message boards or wherever and I remember those things very clearly. I agonize over them and mentally abuse myself because of them. They're always there at the back of my mind and I can't seem to get rid of them.

Well Felicia started off by explaining that the whole "undermining" comment was suppose to be a joke and she admitted that it wasn't a very funny one. And she apologized for saying that in front of the crew. Felicia also addressed my mental abuse thing and what she said about it was really comforting. (I'm not gonna go into detail about what she said because some of it was personal type stuff.) On some level she understands what that's like but she told me that I just can't let myself focus on it. That all made me feel a lot better and when she could tell I was gonna be okay she left. (After this talk I stopped beating myself up about what happened that day and its become easier for me to ignore that kind of negative thinking in general.)

This all took about ten minutes. It might have been longer. The thing is Felicia took time to help me feel better even though she was very busy. She could have just said "there there" and left but she didn't. She honestly cared about me and wanted to make sure I was gonna be okay.

I read a comment on the internet a couple days ago about how Felicia seems "abit phony" and that's why I wrote this. She's not pretending to be a sweetheart. She is a sweetheart. She's not pretending to be a geek. She is a geek. She's not pretending to be anything. Felicia Day is who she says she is and she's the most genuine person I've ever met.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Now That Dollhouse Is Canceled...

Here's some of my hopes and dreams for what Joss Whedon will do now.

Faith the Vampire Slayer Miniseries: There's a year of Faith's life between "Chosen" and Buffy Season 8 that could be revealed through a miniseries. It could be used to test the waters on how an actual full blown Buffy spinoff would sit with the Nielsen families. If its a success then it could be turned into a series and we could have a parade and sexy parties to celebrate.

Marvel Comics: Joss will obviously have more time on his hands and writing more stuff for Marvel would be an awesome use of that time. He could work on Runaways again or maybe X-Men... or maybe he could create a new character or group of characters for Marvel.

Dark Horse Comics: Maybe he could create a new comic book series for Dark Horse. Something that isn't connected to anything he's ever worked on before. Or maybe he could write a Sarah Connor Chronicles comic book continuation with Josh Friedman.

Angel Comics: I'd like it if he was a little more involved with the Angel comics.

The Guild: Remember when he guest starred on Veronica Mars? Well I'd like to see him do that on The Guild.

Monday, October 12, 2009

The First Draft That Ate New Jersey!!!

I was supposed to write a dramatic scene between a father and a son for my screenwriting class. They were suppose to be arguing about what the son wanted to do with his life. The father wanted him to join the family business but the son wanted to be a rock star. I was stuck and couldn't get myself to write anything but then my mom said, "Remember what Felicia Day told you? 'Be brave and write a bad first draft.'" So I said, "Okay fine. I'll write the worst draft possible!" And I did.

(Disclaimer: Felicia Day is not responsible in anyway for this abomination of a first draft.)

FADE IN:

INT. HOUSE

FATHER and SON are in the living room arguing.

SON
I told you dad. My band was caught selling coke to
school children but since we have such an awesome
sound we can’t get arrested in this town.

FATHER
Our police men are so corrupt. I remember seeing them
beat up a baby raccoon.

SON
That wasn’t a baby raccoon. It was a tiny person that
escaped from prison.

FATHER
He was a cute little bandit wasn’t?

SON
Sure… So are you going to let me borrow the car? We
really need it to smuggle some more cocaine in from
Canada.

FATHER
Canada? Canada sucks!

Son turns off the TV.

SON
Dad would you please listen to me!

FATHER
Turn Cops back on! You know that’s my favorite show.

SON
Dad please! I need you to let me commit a crime with
your car!

FATHER
I thought I told you to forget your rock star dreams!

SON
I always stop listening whenever you mention that so
technically I’ve never heard you say that.

FATHER
Your way out of line there buddy!

SON
No you’re out of line!

FATHER
Okay that’s it. I’m gonna blow up the house!

SON
I’m down with that.

Father blows out the pilot light on the stove and turns on the gas. Then Father lights a match and throws it on the floor of the kitchen.

FATHER
Okay here we go!

Father and Son both run out the front door as their itty bitty house blows up taking out the entire neighborhood with it.

FADE OUT:
THE END

Friday, October 9, 2009

The ARG Network Television Schedule for 2009-2010

Monday
8:00-9:00 PM - Burning Down Your House: A reality show about a group of people who, with permission, burn down peoples' houses.
9:00-10:00 PM - We're Getting Sued: A reality show that follows the cast of "Burning Down Your House" as they experience the American judicial system first hand.

Tuesday
8:00-9:00 PM - Crazed: Alyss Dogget likes to burn things and after burning down her school she is institutionalized. There she meets Dora, a bi-polar sufferer that doesn't take her meds, Drake, a supposed telekinetic, Floyd, a super intelligent sufferer of paranoia who sees things, X, an undercover reporter pretending to suffer from a split-personality disorder, and a group of wacky doctors who aren't in control of anything.
9:00-10:00 PM - Taciturn: After revealing where her best friend is hiding out, Maggie Doret learns that Samantha, her best friend, is being sent away. Maggie decides to give up speaking until she gets to see Samantha again and soon realizes people's lives are over complicated with too much talking.

Wednesday
8:00-8:30 PM - I Don't Know: A comedy about stupid people who don't know anything.
8:30-9:00 PM - Unbelievable: A comedy about three cryptozoolgists who keep encountering cryptids in their apartment complex.
9:00-9:30 PM - Capital: A comedy about a group of friends who spell everything in capital letters whenever they post anything on the internet.
9:30-10:00 PM - Backdoor Pilot: A comedy where stuff happens.

Thursday
8:00-9:00 PM - Pagan: Pagan Smith is one of many who protect mankind from the forces of evil. There is a Vale that separates humanity from the Demiurge. These creatures work behind the scenes and have been around for millions of years. They're goal is to eventually destroy the vale that separates them from earth. A small group of technologically minded magically inclined scientists discover through many experiments that these creatures exist. They deciede to form a resistance. Another group of scientists were contacted by the Demiurge are trying to let them into our world.
9:00-10:00 PM - Our Lady of Darkness: A female detective and a priest are pulled into a strange mystery involving science, religion, and magic that spans multiple realties.

Friday
8:00-9:00 PM - Animal Bloopers
9:00-10:00 PM - This message is displayed on screen: Watch Dollhouse on FOX!

Saturday
8:00-10:00 PM - 2 Solid Hours of Random Japanese Commercials

We don't have enough money to show anything on Sunday.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Screenwriting Class Homework: Deep Space Nine

I wrote this dialogue thingy for my screenwriting class. The assignment was to basically take two characters and create a conflict between them. Oh, and one of them had to use words that people from certain regions use. I chose New Yorker words like "weisenheimer" and "stoop". The internet said they were New Yorker words so if they're actually not blame the internet.
I wrote this with a sitcommie kinda attitude so that's why its not actually funny. If you think its funny then good for you!
Also, I'm pretty sure posting this in screenplay format here on my blog would be a gianomicus task so blah blah blah.

________________________________________________________

STEVE is arguing with BILL, who says he’s from Canada, out on the steps in front of his apartment. BILL is sitting in STEVE’s spot and refuses to move.

STEVE

You know what weisenheimer, I don’t care if you’re from Canada. I’m not letting you sit in my stop.

BILL

But I was here first!

STEVE

Its my stoop!

BILL

Yeah?

STEVE

Yeah!

BILL

I’ve always heard you New Yorkers were jerks.

STEVE

Well its true and we’re proud of it.

BILL

I’m sure you are buddy…

STEVE

Have you seen that South Park episode where Canada goes on strike?

BILL

Oh yeah. That was a great episode. Everybody in Canada loved it.

STEVE
So is it true?

BILL

Is what true?

STEVE

Does Canada really want more money?

BILL

Well yeah, doesn’t everybody?

STEVE

Some celebrities might not.

BILL

Maybe in the States but in Canada they can’t get enough.

STEVE

Why’s that?

BILL

It might have something to do with all the beer they drink.

STEVE

So you guys drink a lot of beer up there huh?

BILL

Not really. It’s mostly the celebrities that drink the beer.

STEVE

Hmm… so are you planning on getting off my stoop anytime soon?

BILL

Maybe.

STEVE

I don’t like maybe.

BILL

Well what do you like.

STEVE

I like you getting your ass off my stoop.

BILL

I’ll only get off your “stoop” if you give Canada more money.

STEVE

Your not really from Canada are you?

BILL

Nope.

STEVE
Get off my stoop!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Terminator: A Tale of a Mother and Son

When Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles first aired on January 13, 2008 I had the opportunity to watch it with my mom. She'd never seen the movies but for some reason she felt like watching it with me. I loved it but I wasn't really sure what my mom thought about it. The next day the second episode aired. Apparently my mom enjoyed the Pilot because she watched the second episode with me too.

Background on my mom's television viewing habits: She tends to like stuff like NCIS, Law and Order, and Dancing with the Stars. Sci-Fi isn't something she gravitates towards.

So my mom and I continued to watch TSCC... but then Summer Glau got blown up in a car and the writers started wanting more money! That was it. 9 episodes of terminating goodness.

Somewhere in the bowels of the FOX network: "Hey, let's give this Terminator show a second season."

Terminator was renewed! I was so happy but I soon realized I was going to be watching it alone. On Monday nights my mom had something she had to go to. Thus our journey was over.

I continued on without my mom and the second season was even better than the first. There were killer urinals, sorta human/robot sex, and examples of a mother's love. I'd never felt so many emotions while watching a TV show. It was a WOW-BANG-SMACK-TO-THE-HEAD kind of thing. Watching The Sarah Connor Chronicles' second season was probably the greatest experience of my life. But there was always this feeling that something wasn't right.

After the 13th episode the show went on hiatus. It eventually came back on Friday nights and FOX paired it with some girlie sounding show. I was really excited but then I realized something. I was going to be busy on Friday nights. (I blamed Skynet.) Instead of watching TSCC live, like everyone else who could watch it live, I had to wait until midnight (that's significant) to watch it online.

The first three episodes after the hiatus ended made up an unofficial trilogy that focused on the emotional and psychological well being of Sarah Connor. While watching them, online, I started to compare my mom with Sarah Connor. I thought about how my mom would react if she was in the same situation and I also thought about my mom's situation in general. I have Asperger's syndrome, which is a high funcitoning form of autism, and I've struggled with depression for most of my life. My life has been pretty difficult which in turn has made my mom's life incredibly difficult. She's had to go to bat for me a lot throughout my elementary, middle school, and high school education. The school I went to wasn't able to deal with any of my learning problems. They didn't have a lot of resources and some of the teachers were jerks. Basically my mom had to deal with a lot of crap but just like Sarah Connor she's never given up.

Anyways, eventually it came down to the last episode. I really wanted to skip out on whatever I had to do just so I could stay home and watch it. Sadly I couldn't. While I was at whatever I was doing I kept checking my watch. When it said it was 8:55 I cried a little. I was seriously heartbroken. It was over.

Then the DVD for Season 2 came out and I understood what I had to do. I had to "travel back in time" to the beginning of Season 2 and rewatch it with my mom. And so our journey continued from where we left off.

Watching the second season of TSCC with my mom was awesome. I'd get all excited when she'd commented on something. It was truly the coolest thing I've ever done with my mom.

After about 3 or 4 episodes I asked my mom who her favorite character was and she quickly said it was Cameron. Then she waited a few seconds and said she also really liked Sarah. And then she said she liked John and basically agreed that they were all cool. My mom made it clear that she didn't like Jesse though. She said she didn't trust her but she liked Jesse's toughness and the way she talked.

At one point I figured out my mom had no idea what Catherine Weaver was. That made sense since my mom hadn't seen T2. I happily explained. My mom did know something that I didn't know when I originally watched the second season. (SPOILER WARNING) She knew there was something weird going on with Catherine Weaver and her pet eel.

TSCC pulls on your heartstrings and there are many scenes that get me choked up. There's one scene though that really hits me hard. (SPOILER WARNING) At the end of the second part of "Today is the Day" John confronts Jesse about her murdering Riley, John's girlfriend. It really shows how much John has grown as a man. Afterwards we see him sitting on the couch with his mom. John breaks down and cries in his mother's arms. When that happened I immediately grabbed ahold of my mom's hand and started crying like a little baby panda.

When we got down to the last episode I knew everything was the way it was suppose to be. I was watching TSCC with my mom and it was almost over.

At one point in the last episode John is talking to his mom and he says "I love you." (SPOILER WARNING) Later John decides that the best way he can save the future is by time traveling forward. He doesn't have much time but he asks his mom to come with him but she wants to stay behind. She tells John that she'll "stop it". Then John gets sent into the future. The last thing we see is the room where John had been in the present and we hear Sarah's disembodied voice say “I love you, too.”

Sunday, September 13, 2009

A Short Story: She’s Falling from Grace

Note: I wrote this in High School so its not very well written. Before posting it I had to reread it and correct a bunch of awful stuff that didn't make any sense. I like to think of this short story as Dante's Inferno meets Alice in Wonderland. If your able to make it through to the end please leave your name and address in the comments section so I can send you a fruit basket with a note of apology.
_____________________________________________________

          There she stood at the edge of the gym roof. The wind blew Penny April’s pure black hair around as if it was just a nuisance. Her baggy black t-shirt and dark green cargo pants were soaked with anxious sweat. Hundreds of her unknowing peers were walking to class below her without a care in the world. Completely unlike her, thoughts of her uncaring mother, failing grades, shattered dreams, and unwise choice of friends swirled around inside her head.
          Bobby Drake was the friend who abandoned her when she needed him most. Penny’s father had died in a terrible shooting at his office. A coworker of his had had enough of this world’s bitter reality and took it out on the people he worked with killing himself afterwards. Bobby was supposed to meet her at the soccer field but it seemed that he found a girlfriend that was more important than his best friend. He had found out about her father’s death and didn’t want to feel down so he went to see a movie with Michelle.
          Miranda Kellso was the friend who immediately left her when Penny started to get deeply depressed. Miranda and Penny had been friends since they were 6 years old, but Miranda’s friendship turned out to be conditional. If you fall into depression than she’s not sticking around to help get you out of it.
          Penny slowly bent down and pulled a surgical razor blade out of her right sock. She quietly examined it. The sun reflected off of the clean blade as Penny subtly moved it around. A tear ran down her face as she placed the razor against her left wrist. Than with a quick movement of her hand Penny sliced up her entire forearm bringing forth dark blood. After that she did the same to her other arm. She raised her arms over her head as the crimson flow ran down her thin pale arms. It dripped gently onto her long raven hair. The razor fell from her hand hitting the metal gym roof with a quiet clatter as Penny grew weak from the great loss of blood.
          After a while her arms were completely soaked with her own blood. Her knees grew weak as she slowly stepped off the roof. A few drops of blood fell before her. Down below Bobby, with his girlfriend, and Miranda stood right where Penny would land in a few moments.
          Something wet hit Bobby’s cheek and then whatever it was hit Miranda’s hand. They both looked up at the same time to see their old friend falling down towards them like a reject from heaven.
          Penny’s hair ripped about her face as she fell unconscious toward the gray pavement. She closed her eyes and clenched her teeth preparing for the impact… but it never came. Penny opened her eyes and saw that she was still falling but it wasn’t where she had been moments before. She was swiftly descending through a fiery tunnel with mirrors every few feet. As she sped by the mirrors, ghastly reflections lurched out at Penny. Grabbing the edge of the closest mirror her decent came to a sudden halt. Her arms felt strong which didn’t make much sense after slitting her forearms a few moments earlier. Penny looked into the mirror expecting to see her face. A black red eyed demon with a sickening grin stared back at her. It had knobby fingers ending in tiny needles the hurt just to look at them. Her screams seemed to excite the demonic creature. It climbed through the glass of the mirror onto her head. Penny quickly let go. The demon tangled its sharp pointed claws into her hair as she continued her decent. Its laughter stabbed at Penny’s ears causing them to bleed. Her painful whimpers seemed to spur it on causing it to rip out large chunks of black hair.
          Then suddenly Penny hit the bottom of the tunnel with a sickening crash. All the pain stopped. She slowly tried to push herself off the cold black floor but Penny instantly realized that it was hopeless. As she pushed her hands against the floor they sunk into it as if the floor was made of sticky black tar. Soon enough, her entire arms were enveloped by the tar-like ground. Following her arms, the rest of her body sunk beneath the surface. Penny tried and failed to scream. All she got was a mouthful of tar which she started to choke on. She struggled to be free of the now scolding hot tar. Her skin seemed to bubble from the heat of it. Penny soon felt her body straighten out and move vertically down. The pressure on her legs soon lessened and then disappeared as did the heat of the tar. Soon her head popped out and Penny hung there until her arms became free. She hurriedly spit out the tar from her mouth and took a deep breath. Then she took in her surroundings.
          She was slowly being lowered into a round room without any walls. Instead of walls there were many doors. They all looked the same except for gold numbers attached to them. The doors were made of a black shiny wood like the black keys on a piano. Each one was carved very simply like the doors in a regular home. The floor was made of the same material as the doors.
          Penny’s feet finally touched the floor as her hands left the tar-like substance that made up the ceiling. As she stood there the door with the number 666 ½ opened without a sound and an old devil entered the circular room. He had curled horns that protruded from his wrinkled forehead and went over his head and down his back. His entire body was deep red. His eyes seemed kind but in a cruel way as if he would do unthinkable things to you but only because it would be for your own good. His wrinkled talon-like hands clutched a red cane carved from the tree that the serpent had made his home in long ago. It swirled down to the floor ending in a point. Two large black wings extended from his arched back. The old devil was wearing a cloak as black as night that seemed to be made out of the same materials as the doors and the floor. It shimmered like silk as he walked. The door he walked out of closed by itself after he left its vicinity.
          “Might I suggest you quit thinking I’m going to torture you in some horrible way,” his voice crackled like a fire might as it dies. “Because I’m not going to, at least not right now.” That last part he said very quietly.
          Penny noticed as he came closer that he was actually very short. His shortness increased the terror that she felt deep inside. Penny quickly thought of how horrible it would be if he was hiding in her house while she was home alone with the power out. He was small enough to hide almost anywhere. She struggled to ask the old devil where she was but to no avail.
          “Oh, yes, right, your voice has been taken away momentarily to keep you from interrupting, as you humans are know for doing down here.” His voice sounded of poisonous spite that cut Penny across the cheek. The blood ran down her neck soaking into her black t-shirt. “Now as for where… that'd be Hel. Spelled with one L mind you, not two as you wretched humans are inclined to spell it with.” Again his voice seethed with spite.
          Penny felt as if she was falling inside. There wasn’t suppose to be a real Hell, or as the old devil insisted Hel. She didn’t want to go to Hel. Penny would never have killed herself if she had known. Her legs felt weak. Without realizing it Penny fell back onto the cold black floor with a thud. She scrambled over to the door marked with the number 652.34. Putting her back against it she curled up into a ball and started sobbing.
          “I do enjoy the taste of tears, but the sounds you humans make to produce them sometimes can drive me to commit suicide!” he said that last word with such disgusting hatred that Penny’s forehead began to bleed from the impact causing her to sit up right and look in his direction. “Just so you know my dear you can call me Balthamos or Bellaraze or as some higher devils call me Totenkopf.” He said the last name with a wink that made Penny’s heart skip a beat.
          Balthamos knew from the terrified look on her face that Penny would rather be anywhere but here with him. His wicked grin grew wider as he started toward her. Penny reached up and grabbed the doorknob of the door that she was resting against.
          “Oh, if I were you I wouldn’t go through that door! It contains the River of the Burning Dead. Since you’re a human it would be so painful you’d chew off your tongue and drowned in your own blood. But us devils… oh… its paradise we enjoy the screams of the dead as we float along on their carcasses.” Balthamos enjoyed speaking of such awful things so much that he looked as if he wasn’t even paying attention to Penny. This turned out to be true when Penny quietly and subtly opened the door next to number 652.34. A smell of sweet roses escaped from behind it which Balthamos noticed immediately.
          “Where do you think your going my little suicide!” he snarled. Green flames erupted from his mouth as he spoke.
          Before he could say anything else Penny had crawled through the door and slammed it behind her. She looked around and saw nothing at all. It was completely black. Then a very faint and dim light appeared from a distance. It grew brighter as Penny focused on it. Then she realized that she was in a tunnel. She stood up and started to walk toward the light hoping with all her heart that it wasn’t a group of demons dancing around a pile of human corpses.
          After she walked about twenty feet her head hit the ceiling. Penny’s shout of surprise and pain echoed quietly than grew louder and louder. Her hands instinctively covered her ears. After a few minutes Penny uncovered her ears. Instead of hearing her shouts echoing she heard Balthamos’ laughter. It pierced her soul. She screamed as loud as she could and his laughter stopped. Penny continued down the tunnel. She bent down because the ceiling was getting lower and lower. As Penny grew closer to the light she noticed that her hands seemed abnormally large. Then she noticed her feet. They were huge. Penny felt her head and it seemed to have increased in size drastically. The tunnel grew smaller as her body increased in size until she couldn’t continue to move at all. Then a needle was lowered down in front of her on a fiery piece of string. The needle was red hot but she felt like she had to touch it. Penny reached out with her index finger extended toward the point of the needle. When she touched it the needle immediately pierced her skin and blood started to flow from the wound. Penny soon felt her body decrease in size. She continued down the tunnel which became increasingly harder because of all the blood that had exited from her pricked finger. She slipped and fell over into her own blood. Soon it was over her shoulders and she struggled to stay above it. Penny’s body now seemed to be getting smaller.
          Without warning the tunnel tipped vertically. Penny and all her blood rushed down the tunnel shooting out at the end. She quickly glimpsed a single white flower that grew bigger and bigger as she fell toward it. Then with a loud vomit inducing splash she hit the flower and struggled to stay on it. All her blood went rushing off the petals of the flower making it very difficult to keep from falling off into oblivion. Eventually all her blood had run off the flower leaving it a dark scarlet. Penny made her way to the middle and laid down on the soft yellowish pollen. A drowsy feeling came over her as she lay there. Soon she had closed her eyes. Than a quiet humming sound popped into Penny’s head waking her up a little. At first it sounded comforting but than it grew louder. Whatever was causing the sound was getting closer. Finally Penny couldn’t stand it any longer. She sat up and opened her eyes. Immediately the sound stopped. Penny slowly turned around to check behind her and to her horror a gigantic bumble bee stood there on one of the red petals examining her.
          Penny stared into its compound eyes and noticed that inside each little cell was a little movie playing. The first one she noticed was of her mother June April. It showed her answering the phone. For some reason Penny knew that it was the school telling June that her daughter had committed suicide. Her mother hung up the receiver. Without warning she picked up the phone, ripping the phone cord out of the wall as she did, and hurled it across the room. With a deafening smash it hit the large mirror on the wall shattering it into millions of tiny pieces. Penny's mother screamed with angry sorrow and walked down the hall leading to her bedroom. With tears streaming down her face she ripped open the closet door and pulled an old shoe box down from the top shelf. Penny watched as her mother tossed it onto the bed and tore off the cover revealing a Colt .45 automatic pistol. She carelessly picked it up, put it to her head, and fired.
          Penny tried to look away but couldn’t. She watched as the side of her mothers head exploded splattering blood against the wall and floor. Tears started streaming down her face. But they weren’t normal tears. They were like acid, burning lines down Penny’s face. She screamed with pain and began to sob.
          After many tears of mourning Penny focused on a different cell of the bee’s compound eye. In it was an incredibly strange sight. Miranda and Bobby were in a blue lit room and they both shuffled around like zombies. They seemed to be asleep but the strange thing was they were missing the top of their skulls. Her friend's brains were completely exposed. After watching in horror for a moment Penny became aware of the massive amount of bees that started swarming around Miranda and Bobby. The bees started landing on their brains. Penny's view grew closer and closer until she realized that she had become one of the bees. She quickly found a spot and landed on Miranda. When she did a sudden rush of memories that didn't belong to her flashed before her eyes. These memories revealed the reasons why Miranda had seemed to neglect Penny. Then she landed on Bobby's brain and the same thing happened but this time she felt the pain that Bobby and Miranda were feeling right now. It was horrendous. She felt the bees stinging their brains. Penny felt their helplessness.
          Suddenly everything went black and then quickly a judge's stand grew up out of the darkness. What followed were a jury's stand, a witness stand, and an eternity of rows for the onlookers of the trial.
          "Penny April," screeched a loud bellowing voice. "You have been accused of murder, stealing, lying, cheating, arson, foul language, and every other sin known and unknown to mankind. How do you plead?"
          Penny froze and then said, "Guilty."
          She couldn't believe she'd said. Some of it was true but she hadn't committed every sin known and unknown. A demon then stepped out of Penny's body. It had been controlling her.
          Penny looked around. Behind her were countless tormented souls sitting in rows with a demon holding the end of the chains around their necks. In the jury's stand were twelve demons. They had long gross black hair, sickly pail skin, and wore huge sickening grins which they continually ripped off exposing their inner demonic flesh. Their names were Mammon, Archemedes, Acron, Tolmud, Belrouge, his twin Belreg. Aage, Anubis, Helleck, Moroni, and Mawdona the whore of Hel. In the witness's stand sat Balthamos with a disgusting look of glee on his face. He had made the accusations. In the Judge's stand sat Mechara, the demon who had just possessed Penny. He was cloaked in darkness but his large red cat-like eyes shone down upon her. A large black fiery talon suddenly gripped the edge of the stand.
          "The wretch has admitted to her crimes against the Kingdom of El." Mechara spoke as if he didn't realize he was lying. He had forced her to admit to it. "What shall be her punishment?"
          Many horrible, disgusting, and disturbing things were shouted out but one boom above all the others.
          "Off with her head!" shouted Mawdona as if she was the Queen of England. "Then we'll do everything else imaginable!"
          "Agreed!" shouted every demon present.
          "But I di-" Penny was quickly cut off because six harpies appeared startling her.
          They swarmed around her ripping off her skin while shouting their names and which part of her body they would eat.
          "Helenio! The head!" shouted the first.
          "Fellgrinius! The right arm!" shouted the second.
          "Mullfuss! The left arm!"
          "Pyrelust! The left leg!"
          "Muloch! The right leg!"
          "Noname! The torso!" shouted the last.
          Than before her eyes appeared a large oak door with the words, "Devils come and Devils go; but the Devil may cry," written in golden letters that radiated heat. Penny quickly opened the door revealing a large empty field of fire. Without thinking she ran straight out into it slamming the door behind her. The harpies' talons slashed at the door but to no avail. Penny peered about and noticed that the fire leaping away, like a group of rabbits, when she moved toward it. Then a mirror appeared in front of Penny's face. At first it just showed her reflection but then words started appearing:

Your life is reflected within this looking glass but don't look away. Its horrible and nasty like none before. Your life is disgusting, ugly, and impure and we know who you are for we are Legion.

          Then the words were replaced by a sudden rush of Penny's entire life playing across the surface like a television. All the sins she ever committed were highlighted with slow agonizing precision. She smashed the mirror with her fist shattering it like her mother shattered the mirror in their home earlier. All the tiny pieces reflected Balthamos' face laughing with horrifying glee. The pieces of mirror all began growing legs and hands as they crept toward her. Penny immediately started stepping on them but realized she was barefoot. The demonic glass shards bit into her soft feet bringing tears to her eyes. All the shards began to dance around Penny. Each one happily took its turn lunging at her, cutting large gashes into her knees. Penny's terrified screams of pain became the music of the waltz. Soon the dance ended. The shards lined up. Penny quickly became aware that they were going to attack her with full force. She spun around looking for something, anything that she could use to defend herself. A red hot baseball bat rolled out of the fire. In her mind Penny tried to figure out if it would be worth the blisters and burns. She decided it it would and grabbed the bat. It sizzled and burned her palms, but she didn't cry out. She couldn't, there was no time.
          With bat in hand Penny immediately started smashing the mirror shards turning them into dust. She spun around to destroy the ones behind her. Eventually there was nothing left except for a pile of fine powder. Penny took this moment to examine her hands. They were red and bubbling. When she dropped the bat a large amount of her skin was ripped off with it. There was a lot of crusted blood around the sides of her palms.
          Then suddenly the pile of mirror dust began to swirl around. As it rose in spirals the thin arms of a skeleton reached from the midst of the dust. They grabbed on to the earth surrounding it in order to pull the rest of its body out. It was the skeleton of a lizard.
          When it had completely pulled its body out of the ground the Lizard lashed out at Penny. Grabbing her, it quickly started shredding her flesh.
          As Penny's body was being torn apart she cried out helplessly, "God! Help me!"
          And Penny was back on the Gym roof with her arms raised ready to commit a selfish act. But this time she didn't. Penny quickly got off the roof and walked home crying the entire way. June April was surprised to open the door for her daughter. Penny wrapped her arms around her mother.
          A week later Penny entered into counseling but she never forgot the day she fell.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

KABOOM: A Felicia Day Interview

Brief Explanation: I'm Andrew Gleason and some of The Guild was filmed at my apartment complex. To learn about that go here. Felicia Day and company also filmed some of Season 3 here too. When they were done filming I asked Felicia if I could interview her via e-mail. She said yes obviously and I finally got around to sending her the interview questions. Felicia is mouthwateringly (yes you read that right) busy but she has super powers that allow her to do all sorts of things. So thank you Felicia Day, thank you for giving me something significant to post on my blog.

Question: If you hadn't found an apartment complex to film at for the 2nd Season of The Guild how would that have affected the story? I've got to know.
Felicia: It would not have affected the story much with Codex, we would have borrowed another living room, but the stunt with Wade jumping off the balcony possibly would have been cut due to not having an appropriate and safe way to do it.

Question: Will The Guild comic tie into the show in a significant way?
Felicia: It will be out of the timeline of the current web show.

Question: What are some things we'll never see happen on The Guild?
Felicia: Probably Codex holding a gun, but honestly, who knows, jumping the shark like that could be fun, haha.

Question: Will you be showing off your impressive violin skills on The Guild again?
Felicia: Not in the near future, but I wish! I had no time to practice for the Season 2 one at all. If I write it in again, I would be very careful to block out practice time!

Question: Can you give me an exclusive little spoiler for Season 3 of The Guild?
Felicia: You'll be seeing some of Dena this season, one of my fave tangental characters!

Question: Your role on Dollhouse was very different from a lot of your other roles. Did you do anything special to prepare yourself for it?
Felicia: I made a playlist of lots of hard rock and apocalyptic music, like Muse and White Stripes and Soundgarden. I also carried my gun everywhere on set, even to lunch.

Question: Of all the movies you've been in, which one was your favorite to work on?
Felicia: Dr. Horrible of course. I guess that wasn't a movie, but kinda!

Question: What's it like being a redhead in Hollywood? Is it pretty challenging?
Felicia: It's hard because we're always competing with the "best friend" role. I know all the redheads in town, we always see each other at each audition!

Question: My mom would like to know which you like to do more, comedy or drama?
Felicia: I like doing comedy the best, I get nervous when I take myself seriously, like people will make fun of me for it. I make fun of myself before they can!

Question: My special Twitter friend @neptunegrand wants to know how fame has affected your life?
Felicia: Er, I'm in a weird position that I'm only "famous" if I go to conventions, most people don't know who I am and I'm cool with that! I do like becoming a role model for geeky girls though, and for gamers. I feel like everyone needs a voice in the world, and I hope I'm opening the door for other people do to stuff like I do, bigger and better!

Silly Question: Who'd win in a fight Vi (from BtVS) or Codex's Avatar?
Felicia: Hard to say, Vi didn't have a lot of armor on, but she has Slayer strength. Codex is pretty high level though...I'll have to go with Codex although Vi would definitely bloody up that nice corset, haha.

(You can follow me on Twitter if you want. I won't stop you.) http://twitter.com/andrewgleason

Friday, September 4, 2009

A Poem: NEON LIGHTS AT MY ELECTROCUTION

This poem is dedicated to S. and the small tribe of chipmunks that live in his sock drawer.
______________________________________________________

All at once, I think,
The florescent light bulbs blink.

Electric blue illumination,
This is a pointless situation.

I feel the powerful static,
Lightly burning, oh so erratic.

The stark room I sit in,
It's cold like my mother's kitchen.

Rats run around an invisible race track.
I wait for the electro-heart attack.

The judge counts to three.
They say goodbye to me.

The real culprit waves from the corner,
I yell and scream attempting to scorn her.

The outside grows quiet,
I feel there might be a happy riot.

The attendees are all excited.
Not a single candle is lighted.

It starts as a split second of searing,
Then my mind is literally clearing.

Mind muscle is all but gone.
Somebody put the fucking music on!

Glasses of wine are handed out.
Alcohol is springing from a spout.

I'm still not dead yet.
Why aren't they watching me set?

Lights flicker as they use all the juice.
I start to smell like a cooked goose.

Little fires burst out of my melting skin,
This is all because of my little minor sin.

When they notice my violently shaking shape,
They splash on their drinks. I explode like a squashed grape.

I was put to death in a Los Vegas institution,
There were Neon Lights at my Electrocution.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

A Poem: Brian Tumor

This poem is dedicated to X. and the WTFs.
______________________________________________

I can't believe you're so bitter!
You're such a fucking quitter!

I wish my life had ended years ago.
Then maybe I wouldn't feel it grow.

My reality has become cankerous,
And it's getting more and more dangerous.

Sometimes I hallucinate,
Realizing later that it wasn't fate.

I won't have a proper sending.
So much for my happy ending!

The colorless physicians are what I really dread.
Every time I have to see them I wish I were dead.

Doesn't matter what I wish,
Cause I can't even distinguish.

My skulls going to explode,
I can actually feel the poisonous node.

I tear apart my juvenile room,
While I tread into the gloom.

I can't feel my body any longer,
As I blackout instead of feeling stronger.

The stairway to eternity
I climb with a dakru uncertainty.

The closer to the end I get,
The more I feel that I regret.

I can't bare the pressure,
I just want to feel pleasure.

Twelve hours of vomiting, straight,
I feel it's only going to cumulate.

I suffer more pain, as I stare,
At the x-rays of the thing I can't bare.

The blackness is taking over.
Expanding out like a four leaf clover.

I'm absolutely sure that in a few,
I won't get to meet all those people I never knew.

In the next four years my life will be just a rumor.
All because of this sordid, toxic, infestation called a Brain Tumor.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

More Doodles

Here's some more of my doodles from high school:
doodle doodle doodle
doodle doodle

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Magical Mystery?

I doodled this in High School and recently, after Felicia Day suggested it, I colored it in. I made some copies of it and gave one to Felicia. I ended up signing it for her which was kind of weird cause she's the famous one.
Number 1
I've got a lot more doodles and I might end up posting more of them.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Monday, August 10, 2009

My Missing X-Files Tweets

Colony (X-Files 2.16) - Hey! Its Samantha! Or is it? No, its not really her.

End Game (X-Files 2.17) - Oh no! Not death by submarine! Roll Mulder! Roll!

Fearful Symmetry (X-Files 2.18) - [Mulder's mobile phone beeps] Frohike: "If that's the lovely Agent Scully, let her know I've been working out... I'm buff!"

Død Kalm (X-Files 2.19) - For some reason I really like the episodes where Mulder and Scully are stranded somewhere.

Humbug (X-Files 2.20) - Hey! Its Michael J. Anderson on The X-Files! He played The Man from Another Place on Twin Peaks.

The Calusari (X-Files 2.21) - I'm pretty sure that movie The Unborn ripped off this episode.

F. Emasculata (X-Files 2.22) - A very yucky and gross episode!

Soft Light (X-Files 2.23) - Hey! Its Tony Shalhoub on The X-Files! Tony Shalhooooub!!!

Our Town (X-Files 2.24) - Cannibals... hmm... okay, sure!

Anasazi (X-Files 2.25) - Oh no! Mulder is dead!

Hooray! I've finished the 2nd season of The X-Files

The Blessing Way (X-Files 3.1) - Krycek obviously has the hots for Mulder...

Paper Clip (X-Files 3.2) - Ah! Little aliens just ran by Scully!

D.P.O. (X-Files 3.3) - Hey! It's Jack Black on The X-Files! Oh and Giovanni Ribisi is on The X-Files too...

Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose (X-Files 3.4) - Hey! Its that guy who played that horrible old man on Everybody Loves Raymond, Peter Boyle.

The List (X-Files 3.5) - Maggots! Yuck!

2Shy (X-Files 3.6) - Dang! Why does the mutant have to kill chubby women?

The Walk (X-Files 3.7) - Hey! That guy has no arms or legs!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

ARG(h)-Con "Schedule of Events"

Okay, so sadly ARG(h)-Con isn't real but we can make it semi-real through the power of Twitter! This weekend (August 7-9) I'm going to be twittering about what's "going on" at ARG(h)-Con and I'd like you to do the same.
This is a very vague "schedule" of the events going on at ARG(h)-Con. Your not required to follow it exactly but it'd be nice if you mentioned at least one of the things on their given day. It'd also be really nice if you'd mention each of the "Ongoing Stuff" at least once. Feel free to make up things yourself but try not to say anything that would contradict what's here. Your first priority is to have fun and be creative.
These are we, the one's that be at ARG(h)-Con. (If you've happened upon this and would like to participate let me know in the comments and I'll add you here.)
Neptunegrand
Mandrake3k
Jedielf
Geehak
Worldofhiglet
If your not already following each other then at least follow each other for this weekend. Try to build off/interact with each other a lot. That's the only way we'll be able to really have fun with this. I might be updating this post with new stuff so try to check it every once in a while. We can use #arghcon as a hashtag.
Just so you know, I realize I'm taking this way too seriously so yeah...

Ongoing Stuff

Free Tacos (Instead of being free of charge they are actually a breed of living tacos that have escaped from their cages and must be caught if we want to eat them.)

The Baywatch Complete Series DVD Box Set gets released and everybody starts throwing the DVDs around like frisbees until they're all destroyed.

The pug puppies end up going crazy because of all the Free Tacos and chase them around. So throughout ARG(h)-Con the puppies are roaming around looking for the Free Tacos

The premiere of Monk is being shown over and over again in some room.

Friday Morning

Fran and Kaz Kuzui annouce that their new Buffy movie will be written by JJ Abrams and directed by Michael Bay.

Pug Puppy Parade (The pug puppies end up going crazy because of all the Free Tacos and chase them around. So through ARG(h)-Con the puppies are roaming around looking for the Free Tacos)

Q&A with the remaining cast of Bonanza. The first question that's asked is, "What the hell is Bonanza?"

Friday Evening

A Ponderosa MMORPG is announced. (Mandrake3k thought of this one.)

Morgan Freeman reads my script for a movie called Dinosuars from Outer Space. (For info on that go here.)

Saturday Morning

Someone calls in a bomb threat and everyone has to evacuate. Later we find out it was just Uwe Boll announcing he's next movie "Frogger". He says it has lots of car chases and real prostitute nudity.

A panel for the Free Credit Report band. It turns out that it was just an excuse to get them there so we could beat them up. (This one was inspired by Geehak. He actually wanted there to be an assassination attempt.)

Saturday Evening

A panel for Tim Burton's lawyer. (It was originally suppose to be Tim Burton himself but he never even considered coming. He sent he's lawyer because of all the harassing phone calls he kept getting.)

A panel for a new webseries called The Clan.

Sunday Morning

The Godfather Sing-Along (After a little while we realize this idea doesn't make any sense and it gets switched to Commentary! The Musical from the Dr. Horrible DVD)

Danny Devito gets drunk and does a Q&A. (Geehak thought of this one.) Maybe we can have an on going debate about whether its actually him or just somebody who walked in off the street. And we can post the "questions" people ask and then post the "answers".

Sunday Evening

Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd's stunt doubles from Moonlighting fight David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson's stunt doubles from The X-Files in hand-to-hand combat. (We can describe it and eventually decide who wins.)

I announce my preliminary plans to maybe talk about creating a webseries with Andrew Seely, the creator of Melts In Your Pocket, about a ghost who solves mysteries at an all-girl's boarding school. (This is actually kind of real. Andrew wants to meet with me sometime soon to talk about it. Nothing is set in stone and it may never come to fruition so yeah. Its still pretty cool though don't you think? I'm thinking of calling it either "Spooktacular" or "Golgotha: A School for Girls" but those seem pretty stupid.)

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

ARG(h)-Con Ideas

UPDATE: If you plan on "attending" please post at least two ideas in the comments section. Don't make me beg!

Okay so here's a few ideas I had about what might end up happening at ARG(h)-Con this weekend. Let me know what you think and feel free to post your own ideas in the comments section. And just so you know I think ARG(h)-Con should be a combination of Comic-Con, E3, and Disneyland.

Fran and Kaz Kuzui annouce that their new Buffy movie will be written by JJ Abrams and directed by Michael Bay.

Pug Puppy Parade

Q&A with the remaining cast of Bonanza. The first question that's asked is, "What the hell is Bonanza?"

(UPDATE) A Ponderosa MMORPG is announced. (Mandrake3k thought of this one.)

A panel for a new webseries called The Clan.

Morgan Freeman reads my script for a movie called Dinosuars from Outer Space. (For info on that go here.)

(UPDATED) Someone calls in a bomb threat and everyone has to evacuate. Later we find out it was just Uwe Boll announcing he's next movie "Frogger". He says it has lots of car chases and real prostitute nudity.

(NEW) I announce my preliminary plans to maybe create a webseries with Andrew Seely, the creator of Melts In Your Pocket, about a ghost who solves mysteries at an all-girl's boarding school. (This is actually kind of real. Andrew wants to meet with me sometime soon to talk about it. Nothing is set in stone and it may never come to fruition so yeah. Its still pretty cool though don't you think? I'm thinking of calling it either "Spooktacular" or "Golgotha: A School for Girls" but those seem pretty stupid.)

(NEW) Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd's stunt doubles from Moonlighting fight David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson's stunt doubles from The X-Files in hand-to-hand combat. (We can describe it and eventually decide who wins.)

(NEW) Free Tacos (Inside of being free of charge they are actually a breed of living tacos that we have to catch if we want to eat them.)

(NEW) The Godfather Sing-Along (After a little while we realize this idea doesn't make any sense and it gets switched to Commentary! The Musical from the Dr. Horrible DVD)

(NEW) Danny Devito gets drunk and does a Q&A. (Geehak thought of this one.) Maybe we can have an on going debate about whether its actually him or just somebody who walked in off the street. And we can post the "questions" people ask and then post the "answers".

(NEW) A panel for the Free Credit Report band. It turns out that it was just an excuse to get them there so we could beat them up. (This one was inspired by Geehak. He actually wanted there to be an assassination attempt.)

(NEW) A panel for Tim Burton's lawyer. (It was originally suppose to be Tim Burton himself but he never even considered coming. He sent he's lawyer because of all the harassing phone calls he kept getting.)

(NEW) The Baywatch Complete Series DVD Box Set gets released and everybody starts throwing the DVDs around like frisbees until they're all destroyed.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

ARG(h)-Con - Where Dreams Come True!

Okay, so sadly ARG(h)-Con isn't real but we can make it semi-real through the power of Twitter! This upcoming weekend (August 7-9) I'm going to be twittering about what's "going on" at ARG(h)-Con and I'd like you to do the same. Say whatever you want but start out with semi believable things. By the end of the weekend you can go crazy.
So... does this sound cool? Or does it just seem like a cry for attention? Neptunegrand thinks its "both a cry for attention AND awesome at the same time!!"
I'm thinking about posting some sort of vague schedule of events here on my blog. That way we don't have to think up completely random stuff off the top of our heads.
If you have any ideas or thoughts just let me know and if you don't want to do it I'll understand.

(Note: This is just for fun and has nothing to do with my recent power trip.)

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Bad Dog

I'm getting paid 40 bucks to briefly hang out with this dog. It hunts male caucasians like the Predator did in that movie Predator. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
(Note: This is not a real picture of the dog. )

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Unsuccessful Children's Cartoons

Okay, I'm not going to lie to you... these are all real cartoons that never aired.
_________________________________________

Plot: A small group of anthropomorphic salt shakers wage war against normal pepper shakers in a small house and every episode they accidently kill the owners in horrific mishaps.

Title: Shaking Down the House
Alternate Title: Sodium Kills
__________________________________________

Plot: Three girls tour around Canada as musicians. Everywhere they stop, they have to solve the murder of a pedestrian (that they killed on accident). The ghost of the pedestrian chases them at the end of every episode. One of the girls uses her ghost whispering skills to convince it to listen to them play a crappy pop song and afterwards they play laser tag. At the end of the episode one of the girls uses her slaying skills to kill the ghost.

Title: We Know What We Did Last Summer
Alternate Title: Canada is Weird
___________________________________________

Plot: A young white girl starts high school and joins what she thinks is a crime fighting team. Turns out she's part of an intercity gang. She's given a new mission every episode that usually involves her dealing with rival gangs, the mafia, Oprah's Book Club, the Triad, Wal-Mart, and Irish potato farmers. And when ever she gets into a compromising position, footage of Lindsay Lohan out on the town is shown. (Kinda like a reverse Lizzie McGuire)

Title: I'm Going... Downtown
Alternate Title: Working Girl

(Note: I wrote this a long time ago and it makes me feel embarrassed.)

Friday, July 10, 2009

This Pug Wants You To Be Happy

Neptunegrand said he was having "a really crappy day" on Twitter today. This little pug wants to make him happy.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

94 Awful Short Movie Reviews: Part Applesauce

Nancy Drew | Julia Robert is so old but thankfully we have Emma Roberts to take her place. My favorite line in the movie is, "And kids will love it cause they can make chocolate pasta!"

The Fall | WTF! Awesome! Lee Pace! It's seriously so amazing that it made me go blind but then it healed me!

Nim's Island | Abigail Breslin and Jodie Foster in the same film! A+ Oh yeah and that guy who starred in 300 is in it... whatever!

Meet the Robinsons | Its was terrible but that was expected. The only part that wasn't terrible was this:
Grandpa Bud: I think my wife's baking cookies.
[opens a door; his wife is dancing in a disco dance floor]
Grandpa Bud: Bake them cookies, Lucille!

An American Haunting | It was creative but not creative enough to make me squeal like a little baby panda.

No Reservations | Abigail Breslin is in it so it gets an A+

S. Darko: A Donnie Darko Tale | It was creative and interesting but it had one-to-many actors from the CW! Daveigh Chase was awesome in it. Sadly that actress who played that super slut in that movie that was called Showgirls that sucked is in it...

Spring Breakdown | Its like a cornucopia of my favorite actresses... and oh yeah, Rachel Dratch is in it as well. I'm just kidding! She's cool too! Amber Tamblyn! Parker Posey! Missi Pyle! Amy Poehler! Sarah Hagan! Jane Lynch! Rachel Dratch!

Superman Doomsday | It made me cry like a little bitch because of one little scene that I don't want to think about cause it'll make me cry again.

The Thing | It was really cool in a really gross way.

The Muppets Take Manhattan | I'm not really sure what to say but here's a quote from the Simpsons:
Bart: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man… (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don't know.

Empire Records | It's an awesome movie with a bunch of music in it that I don't care about.

Muppets from Space | Well... its got muppets in it and some of them are from space!

College Road Trip | Raven-Symoné can make any movie enjoyable not matter how awful it is!

Mermaids | Its got Christina Ricci, Winona Ryder, and Cher! A+

Bram Stoker's Dracula | I watched it because Winona Ryder was in it... Winona Ryder!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

The Gleason Brother's First Movie

"Okay, so our first movie will be called Dinosaurs from Outer Space and it'll star Christian Slater and someone who looks like Sean Penn. It'll be a period piece and a family drama with plenty of wirework fight scenes and long expensive car chases. Throughout the movie we'll cut to a dog with shifty eyes whenever anyone does something deceitful. Towards the end of the movie there'll be a ten minute sequence showing all the dinosaurs dancing in the moonlight intercut with footage of a hillbilly wedding."

- I posted this on my brother's wall on Facebook after he agreed to "direct some crap with me".

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A Poem: A Heart Full of Lead

This poem is dedicated to Me and the chemical mixture in my blood.
_______________________________________________________

The eyes of the city see
That there is only me.

Alone in the lower district,
I feel like those dakru harlequins, they tricked.

I made a deal, a deal of blood,
A deal so evil, there was a major flood.

Killing off all of the city people,
I survived by clutching the church steeple.

It was a world wide flood of death.
Everyone but me lost there precious breath.

I wandered aimlessly around,
There were no bodies on the ground.

I looked for any sign of life,
But there wasn't even any bit of strife.

I wanted to leave but I knew I couldn't,
Or maybe it was that I knew I shouldn't.

It was a cataclysmic place,
Shattered and broken like a glass case.

As the bloody sun began to drop,
I finally found a gun shop.

After loading up the one of my choice,
I felt that soon I could rejoice.

Cocking the handgun I got ready to fire.
This is what I know I truly desire.

This is were I started talking,
As I began the cocking.

Aimed at my heart, I pull the trigger,
I hear a sound that was so much bigger.

As I heard that sound before I was dead
I knew I would have A Heart Full of Lead.

Friday, June 19, 2009

94 Awful Short Movie Reviews: Part Zebra

Here it is! The moment that Neptunegrand may have been waiting for... It's the next bitch (I misspelled that on purpose) of awful short movie reviews.

The Thirteenth Floor | It was ambitious but fell flat, kind of like girl scouts.

Heathers | Alright, that's what I'm talking about! Winona Ryder!

Bridge to Terabithia | It made me cry like a little bitch!

Sex and Death 101 | Winona Ryder was underused but it was okay... It didn't make a lot of sense though.

Dazed and Confused | I was neither Dazed nor Confused but Milla Jocovich was seriously underused. Hey, that rhymes!

Mulholland Drive | It started out as something you might see on network television... then she opened up that box which lead to a strange HBOesque world!

Bless the Child | It was awful but it wasn't terrible... no wait... it was terrible.

Smiley Face | It made me want to smoke pot!

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk WIth Me | Twin Peaks gets HBOed!

Wristcutters: A Love Story | It made me want to kill myself! (Note: That's actually a good thing.)

City of Ember | It was a good adaption of a very weird ass book!

The Great Muppet Caper | I liked that part were they dressed up a guy as Miss Piggy in order to show her riding a motorcycle.

Stephanie Daley | Wow! Amber Tamblyn and Tilda Swinton!

Quaratine | Hooray for Jennifer Carpenter! It was actually pretty scary and got kind of freaky deaky.

Spiral | I could totally relate to the main character which might not be a good thing. Plus Amber Tamblyn!

Bride and Prejudice | This movie could totally kick your ass!

The Spiderwick Chronicles | Its well made but it totally cements Freddie Highmore as the male version of Dakota Fanning.
"Okay, so we need a young male actor... Freddie Highmore!"
"But wouldn't it be easier to find twins who can act?"
"Your fired!"

What's Cooking? | I can't remember what was cooking but it was a damn fine movie.

The Changeling | It creeped me out a lot... just like Christopher Walken!

The Devil's Backbone | It was really good but I didn't really enjoy it that much... probably because I failed Spanish.

Lars and the Real Girl | It was awesome and I could totally relate to the main character... yes, its true, I'm very screwed up. In fact I'm so screwed up I can even relate to Dexter Morgan.

Thank You for Smoking | Aaron Eckhart has such an innocent looking face. If I saw him rob a bank I'd lie and say someone else did it... oh yeah, the movie was pretty good too.

Waitress | It was pretty great but I wanted to punch Keri Russell... because of Felicity.

That's all for now bitches!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

My Big Waste of Time and Money

These are basically all the TV shows I've watched and generally enjoyed. Heroes would be the exception cause I didn't enjoy watching it.
I own most of these shows shows on DVD and I'll be opening a library called "Mastertastic's Library of Television".
When it says "every episode" that means I've watched every episode, unless its still on the air.
When it says "only a few episodes" that means I've only watched a few episodes but I intend to watch the rest eventually.
When it says "in the middle" that means I own it and I'm currently watching it.
When it says "CRAZY PETE TOUCHED ME IN MY DANGER AREA" that means you need to take less drugs.
If it doesn't say anything then that means I've probably watched most of it.
I may have left a few shows off because I forgot about them.

30 Rock

Alias | Every episode

Alien Nation | Only a few episodes

Aliens in America | Only a few episodes

Angel | Every episode

Arrested Development | Every episode

Batman Beyond | Every episode

Battlestar Galactica

Beauty and the Beast | Only a few episodes but in the middle

Bones

Buffy the Vampire Slayer | Every episode

Castle | Only a few episodes

Cupid (2009) | Only a few episodes

Damages | Only a few episodes

Dark Angel | Every episode

Dead Like Me | Every episode

Dexter

Dollhouse

Eureka | Only a few episodes

Felicity | In the middle

Firefly | Every episode

Freaks and Geeks | Every episode

Futurama | Every episode

Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex

Gossip Girl | Only a few episodes

Green Acres

Harsh Realm | In the middle

Heroes

How I Met Your Mother

I Love Lucy

Invasion | In the middle

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Jekyll | Only a few episodes

Joan of Arcadia | In the middle

Justice League / Justice League Unlimited | Every episode

Kath & Kim | Every episode

Kingdom Hospital | Every episode

Kings

Millennium | Every episode

Miracles | Every episode

Miss/Guided

Moonlighting | In the middle

Night Stalker (2005) | Every episode

Northern Exposure | Only a few episodes

Party Down

Point Pleasant | Only a few episodes

Police Squad! | Every episode

Popular | Every episode

Primeval

Pushing Daisies

Reba

Robot Chicken

Sit Down, Shut Up

Sledge Hammer

Space: Above and Beyond | Only a few episodes

Strangers with Candy | Only a few episodes

Supernatural

Surface | Every episode

Teen Titans | Every episode

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles | Every episode

The 4400 | Every episode

The Brak Show

The Lone Gumen | Every episode

The Middleman | Only a few episodes

The Simpsons

The X-Files | Every episode

Threshold | Every episode

Tru Calling | In the middle

Twin Peaks | Every episode

Ultraviolet | Only a few episodes

Veronica Mars | Every episode

Weeds

Wonderfalls | Every episode

I'd like to dedicate this blog post to Mandrake3k cause he said this to me on Twitter: "You watch a lot of TV"

Thursday, June 11, 2009

94 Awful Short Movie Reviews: Part Orange

Thanks to Netflix (and my mutant ability to waste incredibly large amounts of time) I've watched a gianomicus amount of movies recently. So I thought it would be a "good idea" to blog about all 94 movies. Since there's so many movies and whale meat is too expensive, I'm not going to be saying a whole lot... well, unless I really hated a certain movie. Yes, I'm talking about you Battlefield Earth! So yeah... feel free to share these on Twitter or Facebook... (Yeah, right! Like that's gonna happen!)

Misery | Its should have been called Happiness because it made me happy! (The first one is always the stupidest.)

Spy Hard | Weird Al and Leslie Nielsen were great... but it sucked! Stephanie Romanov, who played Lilah Morgan in Angel, looked really beautiful though.

Mafia! | It was like two undercover hookers raising a kangaroo on the International Space Station. So yeah, it was hilarious.

Superhero Movie | It was really funny and made Spider-Man look like crap... yeah, that's really no that hard to do.

Top Secret! | Like two penguins at a strip club, it made me laugh!

Deep Blue Sea | Jaws + Aliens = Deep Blue Sea... and Thomas Jane can kick your butt!

The Host | Probably the only good thing to come out of South Korea... well, besides american cartoons.

The Relic | Entertaining but flawed. It was kind of like the original Playstation.

Baby Mama | With a few minor adjustments it could have been called 30 Rock: Baby Mama... and 30 Rock is awesome so yeah...

Leviathan | It started out good than gave me food poisoning.

Aliens vs. Predator 2 | It didn't make much sense but it was entertaining... kind of like Mouse Trap. Also the entire movie was based around a gimmick... just like Mouse Trap!

Southland Tales | It was awesome but it almost seemed like Richard Kelly didn't want you to know it was awesome. It was like a secret or something.

Hero | Wow! That's great wire work!

Speed Racer | Everyone's been lying about this movie. It's truly whack-a-mole! (Note: "Whack-a-mole" means awesome!)

House of Flying Daggers | Wow! That's great wire work!

Network | Hmm... it was well made but it made me mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!

Blue Velvet | It was hella-tight! (Note: Hella-tight basically means whatever you want it to.)

Dear Me: A Blogger's Tale | Felicia Day makes every movie awesome!

When Harry Met Sally | It was okay but its not my type of movie. My type of movies don't have Billy Crystal in them. Monsters, Inc. is the exception because you don't actually have to look at him.

Fargo | Hmm... okay, it was good but I'm never going to watch it again.

The War of the Worlds | It was great for the time but back then everything pretty much sucked donkey balls.

28 Weeks Later | Sweet Zombie Revenge!

Carrie (2002) | This was a backdoor pilot. Why wasn't this made into a TV series? Because it was too awesome! A TV series would have melted everyone's face!

In the Mouth of Madness | Okay... I like meta-fiction but when a movie has something rip its way out the pages of a book it automatically sucks donkey balls!

Stephen King's It | They did their best but it kind of sucked a lot. At one point you can even see the shadow of the cameraman holding the camera... or something like that.

30 Days of Night | It beats the crap out of almost every vampire movie in the history of time and space.

The Incredible Hulk | It made about as much sense as a laundromat... Wait! Laundromats make a lot of cents! Crap! I need to start doing more research. (Note: I realize that's not very funny.)

Jacob's Ladder | It was pretty good but the ending pissed me off so much! Plus it made me wait to throw up a few times.

Hairspray | John Travolta makes one magnificent big fat lady! A+

Resident Evil: Degeneration | The CG was good but not great. The plot was entertaining though.

Prairie Fever | Once again Felicia Day makes every movie awesome!

Okay that was 21 movies, but don't worry 'cause there's more awful short movie reviews to come. Plus you'll also get to learn about my disturbing fascination with Winona Ryder.

Born on the 10th of June

Tom Cruise sucks! Yes its true. He was always my least favorite leprechaun. I lost interest in the Leprechaun franchsie because of him. What a bastard! Next time I ask the operator for a good time I won't be expecting Tom Cruise. That's right, I make more sense then I can count a stick at.

I'd like to dedicate this blog post to Neptunegrand.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

A Dollhouse with Pink Lemonade

A few years ago I asked my best friend to say something fresh and original. What he ended up saying would stay with me forever. "I want a dollhouse with pink lemonade."

Anyways, FOX renewed Joss Whedon's Dollhouse for a second season. Yeah, I know... its like the world's fattest man saying, "I'm going on a diet!"

Friday, April 17, 2009

Terminator Getting Canceled is Serious

Terminator getting canceled is like a thousand puppies getting run over. Its serious. Television has been headed in a terrible direction for a while now and this shows just how bad that direction really is. Shows aren't given a chance to grow at all anymore. Even with the bad economy networks still aren't willing take a chance and let shows grow. T:SCC is part of an established franchise that was put on a bad night. Its obvious that given a chance it would defiantly become more successful. But its not getting a chance and we're all gonna die.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles did something that network TV shows don't do. It was brutally honest. Josh Friedman, the mastermind behind the show, could have made the show all about Terminators getting naked and fighting all the time. He didn't. He made the show focus on the consequences of being the mother of the savior of mankind. Sarah Connor never really was a deep character in the movies. In The Terminator she was a young woman fighting for her life. In T2 she was a woman fighting for her sons life. We never got to see her live her life on a daily basis. T:SCC showed this.

The show is also the only successful tv show continuation of a movie franchise that doesn't throw everything out the window.
T:SCC is canon with The Terminator and T2. T3 and Terminator: Salvation are not.

So basically what I'm trying to say is, McG is a fuckface!

A Briefcase for Sanity (or Something Blue)

I recently discovered that I have three personalities. These are them. This probably needs to be edited or something... but to hell with editing! I can do whatever I want! It's my blog. I don't care what "Old Jewish Man" said. He's not the boss of me! I can make myself look crazy as much as I want. Just 'cause my horse swims doesn't mean the water needs to be changed every Saturday, and that's the rest of the story...

Warner
Warner tends to come out late at night. He'll also come out when around people he feels really comfortable with. But he mostly comes out when he's alone.
He swears at his computer and insults it regularly, not out of hate, but out of love. Usually while watching a TV show on his computer he'll talk out loud to himself. Most of the time he'll be commenting on the TV show, either pointing out inaccuracies or asking himself questions about what's going on in the show. After a few sentences Warner will end up saying to himself, "Stop talking to yourself." followed by "It makes you look weird."
Warner is hyperactive. His mind often wanders. He usually feels very creative but he struggles to follow through with his creative impulses.
Warner also enjoys changing the lyrics to different songs that he likes. His replacement lyrics are mostly violent in nature. He doesn't mean to make them violent though.
Warner typically finds himself singing out loud when he's alone. Sometimes he just sings different parts of songs and other times he'll make up a song. He also ends up humming to himself a lot.
When around people he feels comfortable with he'll usually say clever things or make strange jokes that are hard to understand. He'll normally state exactly how he feels about whatever he's talking about. Occasionally he'll even be purposely annoying just to see how the people he's with will react. He'll often end up saying something mean without realizing it as well.
Warner's main goal is to forget about his problems.


Nale
Nale usually comes out when he's not in his comfort zone. In general he's semi well composed. When around people he doesn't know very well, he'll be very quiet. But if there is someone he knows with him, he may not be as quiet. He'll also come out when around people that he knows pretty well but doesn't exactly feel all that comfortable with. Nale will, on rare occasions, come out when he's completely alone.
Nale normally keeps an inter monologue going. It may veer off a lot but it eventually ends up back where it started. The subject matter of his inter monologue tends to be stuff that Nale nor Warner would ever say aloud.
Fear and anger are two major factors that go into Nale's decision making.
When someone Nale doesn't know engages him in conversation, Nale typically finds himself talking in depth about something. This becomes a problem sometimes, because Nale ends up getting lost in what he's trying to say. He then is forced to admit defeat and essentially ends what he's saying by explaining to the person he's talking to that "I'm probably not explaining this very well."
Nale finds it hard to explain jokes or things he thinks are funny. Part of it has to do with his memory. He doesn't remember things very well, which makes what he's trying to say incoherent. Nale's struggles with memory also makes it almost impossible to remember what he said in a conversation. He'll usually remember what the other person said, but when it comes to what he said, he'll either draw a blank or he'll only be able to remember the general idea he got across.
One major problem Nale has is the fact that after he does or says something really stupid he'll never let himself forget it. Whenever that thing Nale did comes to the fore front of his mind he'll verbally abuse himself in his inter monologue. Eventually he'll be able to push it out of his mind but it'll always come back. Every once in a while something Nale did a longtime ago will pop up as well. This form of mental abuse occurs in Warner occasionally but its not as bad.
Nale's main goal is to get back in his comfort zone.



Godsyn
Godsyn is basically miscellaneous. He's whatever Warner and Nale aren't. Godsyn almost always comes out while dreaming. One could say that, for all intents and purposes, Godsyn is the crazy one.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

SCUBA: Something Creepy Under Boat Ahh!

This is something I wrote way back in the sixties. The sixties was a time of free cauliflower and underrated presidential candidates. A time when being Jewish was edgy and shark wrestling was just starting to catch on. In the sixties you could marry a cougar but only in International Waters... the times sure have changed.
Anyways this is something I wrote and I'm embarrassed by it, so relish in the embarrassmentality of it all!
___________________________
The Dodo
(or Why We Don't Smoke in Bed)

Martha Tellicus had never noticed the way her room was on fire before. Martha Tellicus soon realized it normally wasn't on fire. Quickly jumping out the window, she noticed for the very first time that she lived on the 67th floor. Falling to her death wasn't fun, but it had to be done. The last thing she thought about before going splat were the lyrics to Hollaback Girl.

Later that morning the entire building had burned to the ground, leaving nothing but ash and lots of jewelry that the apartment owners had been stealing from the supermarket across the street. Detectives from the City of Lemon had been transferred to the city of Tallis Moon recently. Nothing good would come of this.

"So it's safe to assume that this building burned down by natural causes, right?" Mal Content asked the man behind the hot dog vendor.

"No speaka engrish!" replied the man.

"I can to speak English!" Yelled Mal. "I can also speak dog! Now attack this man my faithful doggies!"

All the dogs that were on display at the vendor looked at Mal Content and then one said, "He is obviously off he's rocker cause I don't see it anywhere. Now let's all go back to the ocean and join our brethren, the seals."

The doggies ran off and the man chased after them. Mal Content, being a detective and all, was immediately distracted by the bright colors of a car that was driving slowly by him. He giddily danced over to it.

An old man was inside of the vehicle. Since Mal hated old people with an unhealthy passion, he grabbed a nearby bat and started smashing the vehicle in order to show the old man who was boss. The bat shrieked loudly and tried to fly away, then a strange man with long black hair walked over and bit the bat's head off.

The man then handed Mal a mace and said, "Hit him with this!"

"Thanks Ozymandias," said Mal for that was his name. "Let's do lunch sometime."

Mal soon had turned the car into a cube and the old man inside was most likely crushed. Instead of being crushed inside the car cube the old man had apparently self destructed, for he was a robot.

Night quickly fell on the City of Callis Moon. Many people died and there was a mass burial. Mal was unharmed and went to the local Ice Cream shop. On the way there a musical virus had broken out in the downtown area. The song the infectees sang went like this,

Aaaaahhhhhhhhh
It burns my insides
It feels like one of those Disneyland rides

We know what we want
We want a cure
Oh yeah
We really do
Oh yeah
We want a cure
That man over there looks like a physician
Let's make an executive decision
Okay we'll beat him up if he does not
Give us a cure like he should or ought

We know what we want
We want a cure
Oh yeah
We really do
Oh yeah
We want a cure

They continued singing but the lyrics got really obscene. Mal quickly ducked into the Ice Cream shop.
"Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed a choir of women.

"That'll be four ninety-five." Said the man behind the counter.

"But I haven't gotten my Ice Cream yet!" cried Mal.

"Oh," laughed the owner. "We don't sell ice cream anymore. We sell screams. Didn't you see the sign outside? It says I S'cream now."

Mal turned towards the door but quickly decided not to leave yet. It looked like the musical virus was spreading fast and the infected just started singing a song about flatulence. The song involved detailed descriptions on what it smells like.

"Do you have a back way out, Panderic?" asked Mal Politely.

"I was going to say that Mal!" yelled Mal Content. "So do you have a back way out?"

Panderic pointed to a doggie door behind the counter. Mal Content left Mal Politely and Panderic to talk amongst themselves.
The doggie door lead to a dark alley.

"Thank goodness," he sighed. "No musical infectees."

"You must follow the signs! They will lead you to the evidence that is required!" moaned a frog that appeared out of nowhere. He was sitting on a little cloud.

"How did you get here?" shrieked Mal.

"Well the author noticed that the burned down apartment building was not being investigated, so he decided to write me in so that I'd tell you to get back on the case. I think its called deus ex machina. But I probably wasn't suppose to tell you that."

"Is that all? I was expecting a really interesting explanation." Exclaimed Mal sadly.

The frog shrugged and disappeared.

Mal looked around for a sign to follow. Since there weren't any he walked out of the alley. Then Mal saw a gigantic neon sign. It said,

If You Feel Fat and Tired, You Probably Are!
Come to Mona C. and find out why!

"I'm coming Mona!" cried Mal as he took off in the direction of Mona C.'s casino/nightclub/steakhouse.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Spider-Man 3 Review

In honor of this poorly made movie, I present you with a poorly written review (with intentional spelling errors and bad grammar).

"Campy costumes can't disguise the incoherent plot, confused performances and lame script that send this star vehicle spiralling downward." This was said about "Batman and Robin" and I think it applies to this horrible movie.
The reason I watched Spider-Man 3 again, after suffering through it the first time, is not a good reason. Ay felt like I needed to be punished and since I don't keep knifes in my room, I went on Netflix and watched Spider-Man 3 instantly. It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences in recent memory. It was worst then watching little kids throw other people's mail down the sewers... actually that's really fun to watch.
I'd murder Spider-Man 3 if I could figure out how to murder a moovie. When I do figure it out, I'll film myself murdering it then I'll post the video on youtube. The video will get a million views and I'll repeat the process with Howard the Duck.
The movie is bad... It's My Mother the Car bad. The characters don't think in this movie because they're all retarded (well at least Harry is. That weird smirk he's got throughout most of the movie screams retarded!) And the special effects are the purest of all the craps. I felt embarrassed whenever the special effects were being used. O and the scene where Peter dances around actually made me feel like throwing up a little (seriously).
Spider-Man 3 should have been more like this.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Things I noticed a week or so ago...

Erik Larsen is ticked off because Marvel used his newest comic book creation, Obama: "The Magic Negro", without his permission. Erik Larsen doesn't have a problem with Rob Liefeld using him though. Do I smell a double standard? No... that's just the turkey cooking in the oven. Now where's the babysitter? Dirty hippie... wait... I don't remember buying a turkey! And where did all this LSD come from?

Battlestar Galactica has revealed who the "Final Cylon" is and its not that gay guy with one leg (aka the pirate). I really wanted it to be the gay pirate.

Fox and Warners Brothers have settled on the "Watchmen Lawsuit". This means that those "freaks on the internet who wear raincoats in their bedrooms" can shut up about Fox eating all the dicks. To find out about all those dicks go here.

Obama is a self-described "skinny kid with a funny name" which makes me question his ability to describe anything. (I found that quote along with a bunch of other worthless crap here)

Stan Lee is going to make a tv show about the world's first gay superhero (according to this article). This article is lying! Northstar was the first and the gayest, if you don't include Thor. As proof that Thor is gay I give you this video clip. Go to about 6:55 and you'll see the proof.). First strippers (Stripperella), then homosexuals... what's Stan Lee gonna do next? More crap is my guess... then he may die (possibly while taking a crap!)

To learn more about "The Magic Negro" you might want to go here. (I didn't make that term up, I'm just quoting what someone else said.)

To learn what the owner of the Obama intellectual property had to say about Marvel (aka "House of Ideas" my ass) go here.

To learn what was really cooking in the oven go here.

Also Superman is a bad influence.

Obama and Comic Books Don't Mix

Youngblood, "a crappy comic for stupid jerks" (at least according to Wikipedia), has recently decided to follow Marvel's example of cashing in on our new president. (Its funny... he doesn't seem new anymore does he?) The artist for this "special" issue of Youngblood is Rob Liefeld, "the worst comic book artist who's made lots of money and doesn't deserve it" (Wikipedia again). He's the writer of it too... the comic book not Wikipedia. (While rereading this I got confused by that.) He's a terrible writer and usually plagiarizes X-Men and other successful properties.
To learn more about how awful this man's artwork is, go here: (This link contains lots of swears so beware! It also contains Rob's attempts at drawing women so beware of that too.)

Image Comics, the publishers of Youngblood, already cashed in a big fat Obama sized check with another one of their titles called Savage Dragon and it sold out. This is what Erik Larsen, the creator of Savage Dragon, had to say about it, "Believe me, we’re trying to keep it in stock."

Then I said, "I highly doubt that ya communist sellout! Its all part of the plan... the plan to make more money by selling out. Go back ta China!"

Then he said, "We’ve been printing much more than we predicted needing and the demand just kept growing. I’m thrilled to know that whether people agree or disagree with Dragon, they’re extremely passionate about what may be the most important US Presidential election yet."

"Or maybe people are buying it because they want to sell it later on eBay for a higher price."

This is what Jacin B. (a commenter on the article I read) had to say about it:

"Meh. I only bought it ’cause I needed more toilet paper and knew I wouldn’t have time to make it to both the comic book store and the grocery store that night …"

That sums it up pretty nicely I'd say.

I found another insightful comment some guy named Michael said on his blog, Tales to MIldly Astonish,

"First it was Savage Dragon. Then it was Amazing Spider-Man. Now Youngblood is getting in on the action.
So, how long before Obama shows up in the second issue of every comic?"

I found it insightful for two reasons:

1) Its a logical question. Will Obama become an honorary member of the Avengers appearing briefly in each issue to up sales? Will he be used as a sort of deus ex machina in a year or so to solve all the problems the Marvel Universe is having. (Norman Osborn, the Green Goblin, has basically either taken over or gotten rid of all the important "government stuff" in the Marvel Universe. S.H.I.E.L.D., The Avengers, The 50 State Initiative, The Thunderbolts, Starktech. This is bad. Not as bad as Microsoft taking over the government but still its pretty horrible.) I wouldn't be surprised if Marvel decided to do that. I mean come on, they thought having Spider-Man make a deal with the devil to essentially "get a divorce" was sweet 'nackers (I'm not sure what that means but I like how it sounded kinda british.). But then again using the same plot device over and over again would make the Marvel editors look unskilled in their editorial dutying (hehe) but that's never stopped them from being stupid before. (And just for the record... I don't think Obama is the devil. That's for the courts to decide.)

2) The title of this guy's blog "Tales to Mildly Astonish" sums up these issues that Obama has been shoehorned into. Their mildly astonishing tales because of how plastic fantastic (Again I liked how it sounded but I don't know what it means) these issues will be in eight years. Unless of course Obama declares himself President-For-Life and we all know what that would be like... remember two years ago, it was The Christmas that Never Ended! (I'm pretty sure no one's actually going to have read this far so I decided to reference historical events that never really happened... outside of International Waters!)

Basically, what I'm trying to say is vote for Ralph Nader 'cause he's kooky like Ron Paul, but without all that annoying liberty crap.

If you've found anything of value in what I've said please, phone a friend or get counseling.
If you've enjoyed reading this please share it with other people who you think'll enjoy reading it to. Or don't... I couldn't care less.
According to this link "It is impossible" for me to "care less." So yeah...

I'm well aware that what I've written may be kind of hard to read (Parentheses anyone?) and around the end there, I stopped making coherent sense and there are way too many run on sentences but I've been drinking a lot of water recently and for the duration of writing this I've been listening to Imogen Heap.

Source for the Savage Dragon stuff is here.

Source for the Youngblood crap including the quote in the title of this... rant? No. Let's call this a sassy response. It's here.

Source for the Tales to Mildly Astonish blog is here.

I found that Ralph Nader thing here.


This "sassy response" was brought to you by International Waters "Where Everybody's a Pirate!" International Waters is also proud to be hosting Survivor 19.
Andrew Gleason said on his Twitter that it'll "be like that movie Open Water but the feeding frenzy" will "last longer."