Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Spider-Man 3 Review

In honor of this poorly made movie, I present you with a poorly written review (with intentional spelling errors and bad grammar).

"Campy costumes can't disguise the incoherent plot, confused performances and lame script that send this star vehicle spiralling downward." This was said about "Batman and Robin" and I think it applies to this horrible movie.
The reason I watched Spider-Man 3 again, after suffering through it the first time, is not a good reason. Ay felt like I needed to be punished and since I don't keep knifes in my room, I went on Netflix and watched Spider-Man 3 instantly. It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences in recent memory. It was worst then watching little kids throw other people's mail down the sewers... actually that's really fun to watch.
I'd murder Spider-Man 3 if I could figure out how to murder a moovie. When I do figure it out, I'll film myself murdering it then I'll post the video on youtube. The video will get a million views and I'll repeat the process with Howard the Duck.
The movie is bad... It's My Mother the Car bad. The characters don't think in this movie because they're all retarded (well at least Harry is. That weird smirk he's got throughout most of the movie screams retarded!) And the special effects are the purest of all the craps. I felt embarrassed whenever the special effects were being used. O and the scene where Peter dances around actually made me feel like throwing up a little (seriously).
Spider-Man 3 should have been more like this.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Things I noticed a week or so ago...

Erik Larsen is ticked off because Marvel used his newest comic book creation, Obama: "The Magic Negro", without his permission. Erik Larsen doesn't have a problem with Rob Liefeld using him though. Do I smell a double standard? No... that's just the turkey cooking in the oven. Now where's the babysitter? Dirty hippie... wait... I don't remember buying a turkey! And where did all this LSD come from?

Battlestar Galactica has revealed who the "Final Cylon" is and its not that gay guy with one leg (aka the pirate). I really wanted it to be the gay pirate.

Fox and Warners Brothers have settled on the "Watchmen Lawsuit". This means that those "freaks on the internet who wear raincoats in their bedrooms" can shut up about Fox eating all the dicks. To find out about all those dicks go here.

Obama is a self-described "skinny kid with a funny name" which makes me question his ability to describe anything. (I found that quote along with a bunch of other worthless crap here)

Stan Lee is going to make a tv show about the world's first gay superhero (according to this article). This article is lying! Northstar was the first and the gayest, if you don't include Thor. As proof that Thor is gay I give you this video clip. Go to about 6:55 and you'll see the proof.). First strippers (Stripperella), then homosexuals... what's Stan Lee gonna do next? More crap is my guess... then he may die (possibly while taking a crap!)

To learn more about "The Magic Negro" you might want to go here. (I didn't make that term up, I'm just quoting what someone else said.)

To learn what the owner of the Obama intellectual property had to say about Marvel (aka "House of Ideas" my ass) go here.

To learn what was really cooking in the oven go here.

Also Superman is a bad influence.

Obama and Comic Books Don't Mix

Youngblood, "a crappy comic for stupid jerks" (at least according to Wikipedia), has recently decided to follow Marvel's example of cashing in on our new president. (Its funny... he doesn't seem new anymore does he?) The artist for this "special" issue of Youngblood is Rob Liefeld, "the worst comic book artist who's made lots of money and doesn't deserve it" (Wikipedia again). He's the writer of it too... the comic book not Wikipedia. (While rereading this I got confused by that.) He's a terrible writer and usually plagiarizes X-Men and other successful properties.
To learn more about how awful this man's artwork is, go here: (This link contains lots of swears so beware! It also contains Rob's attempts at drawing women so beware of that too.)

Image Comics, the publishers of Youngblood, already cashed in a big fat Obama sized check with another one of their titles called Savage Dragon and it sold out. This is what Erik Larsen, the creator of Savage Dragon, had to say about it, "Believe me, we’re trying to keep it in stock."

Then I said, "I highly doubt that ya communist sellout! Its all part of the plan... the plan to make more money by selling out. Go back ta China!"

Then he said, "We’ve been printing much more than we predicted needing and the demand just kept growing. I’m thrilled to know that whether people agree or disagree with Dragon, they’re extremely passionate about what may be the most important US Presidential election yet."

"Or maybe people are buying it because they want to sell it later on eBay for a higher price."

This is what Jacin B. (a commenter on the article I read) had to say about it:

"Meh. I only bought it ’cause I needed more toilet paper and knew I wouldn’t have time to make it to both the comic book store and the grocery store that night …"

That sums it up pretty nicely I'd say.

I found another insightful comment some guy named Michael said on his blog, Tales to MIldly Astonish,

"First it was Savage Dragon. Then it was Amazing Spider-Man. Now Youngblood is getting in on the action.
So, how long before Obama shows up in the second issue of every comic?"

I found it insightful for two reasons:

1) Its a logical question. Will Obama become an honorary member of the Avengers appearing briefly in each issue to up sales? Will he be used as a sort of deus ex machina in a year or so to solve all the problems the Marvel Universe is having. (Norman Osborn, the Green Goblin, has basically either taken over or gotten rid of all the important "government stuff" in the Marvel Universe. S.H.I.E.L.D., The Avengers, The 50 State Initiative, The Thunderbolts, Starktech. This is bad. Not as bad as Microsoft taking over the government but still its pretty horrible.) I wouldn't be surprised if Marvel decided to do that. I mean come on, they thought having Spider-Man make a deal with the devil to essentially "get a divorce" was sweet 'nackers (I'm not sure what that means but I like how it sounded kinda british.). But then again using the same plot device over and over again would make the Marvel editors look unskilled in their editorial dutying (hehe) but that's never stopped them from being stupid before. (And just for the record... I don't think Obama is the devil. That's for the courts to decide.)

2) The title of this guy's blog "Tales to Mildly Astonish" sums up these issues that Obama has been shoehorned into. Their mildly astonishing tales because of how plastic fantastic (Again I liked how it sounded but I don't know what it means) these issues will be in eight years. Unless of course Obama declares himself President-For-Life and we all know what that would be like... remember two years ago, it was The Christmas that Never Ended! (I'm pretty sure no one's actually going to have read this far so I decided to reference historical events that never really happened... outside of International Waters!)

Basically, what I'm trying to say is vote for Ralph Nader 'cause he's kooky like Ron Paul, but without all that annoying liberty crap.

If you've found anything of value in what I've said please, phone a friend or get counseling.
If you've enjoyed reading this please share it with other people who you think'll enjoy reading it to. Or don't... I couldn't care less.
According to this link "It is impossible" for me to "care less." So yeah...

I'm well aware that what I've written may be kind of hard to read (Parentheses anyone?) and around the end there, I stopped making coherent sense and there are way too many run on sentences but I've been drinking a lot of water recently and for the duration of writing this I've been listening to Imogen Heap.

Source for the Savage Dragon stuff is here.

Source for the Youngblood crap including the quote in the title of this... rant? No. Let's call this a sassy response. It's here.

Source for the Tales to Mildly Astonish blog is here.

I found that Ralph Nader thing here.

This "sassy response" was brought to you by International Waters "Where Everybody's a Pirate!" International Waters is also proud to be hosting Survivor 19.
Andrew Gleason said on his Twitter that it'll "be like that movie Open Water but the feeding frenzy" will "last longer."