Saturday, June 27, 2009

The Gleason Brother's First Movie

"Okay, so our first movie will be called Dinosaurs from Outer Space and it'll star Christian Slater and someone who looks like Sean Penn. It'll be a period piece and a family drama with plenty of wirework fight scenes and long expensive car chases. Throughout the movie we'll cut to a dog with shifty eyes whenever anyone does something deceitful. Towards the end of the movie there'll be a ten minute sequence showing all the dinosaurs dancing in the moonlight intercut with footage of a hillbilly wedding."

- I posted this on my brother's wall on Facebook after he agreed to "direct some crap with me".

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A Poem: A Heart Full of Lead

This poem is dedicated to Me and the chemical mixture in my blood.

The eyes of the city see
That there is only me.

Alone in the lower district,
I feel like those dakru harlequins, they tricked.

I made a deal, a deal of blood,
A deal so evil, there was a major flood.

Killing off all of the city people,
I survived by clutching the church steeple.

It was a world wide flood of death.
Everyone but me lost there precious breath.

I wandered aimlessly around,
There were no bodies on the ground.

I looked for any sign of life,
But there wasn't even any bit of strife.

I wanted to leave but I knew I couldn't,
Or maybe it was that I knew I shouldn't.

It was a cataclysmic place,
Shattered and broken like a glass case.

As the bloody sun began to drop,
I finally found a gun shop.

After loading up the one of my choice,
I felt that soon I could rejoice.

Cocking the handgun I got ready to fire.
This is what I know I truly desire.

This is were I started talking,
As I began the cocking.

Aimed at my heart, I pull the trigger,
I hear a sound that was so much bigger.

As I heard that sound before I was dead
I knew I would have A Heart Full of Lead.

Friday, June 19, 2009

94 Awful Short Movie Reviews: Part Zebra

Here it is! The moment that Neptunegrand may have been waiting for... It's the next bitch (I misspelled that on purpose) of awful short movie reviews.

The Thirteenth Floor | It was ambitious but fell flat, kind of like girl scouts.

Heathers | Alright, that's what I'm talking about! Winona Ryder!

Bridge to Terabithia | It made me cry like a little bitch!

Sex and Death 101 | Winona Ryder was underused but it was okay... It didn't make a lot of sense though.

Dazed and Confused | I was neither Dazed nor Confused but Milla Jocovich was seriously underused. Hey, that rhymes!

Mulholland Drive | It started out as something you might see on network television... then she opened up that box which lead to a strange HBOesque world!

Bless the Child | It was awful but it wasn't terrible... no wait... it was terrible.

Smiley Face | It made me want to smoke pot!

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk WIth Me | Twin Peaks gets HBOed!

Wristcutters: A Love Story | It made me want to kill myself! (Note: That's actually a good thing.)

City of Ember | It was a good adaption of a very weird ass book!

The Great Muppet Caper | I liked that part were they dressed up a guy as Miss Piggy in order to show her riding a motorcycle.

Stephanie Daley | Wow! Amber Tamblyn and Tilda Swinton!

Quaratine | Hooray for Jennifer Carpenter! It was actually pretty scary and got kind of freaky deaky.

Spiral | I could totally relate to the main character which might not be a good thing. Plus Amber Tamblyn!

Bride and Prejudice | This movie could totally kick your ass!

The Spiderwick Chronicles | Its well made but it totally cements Freddie Highmore as the male version of Dakota Fanning.
"Okay, so we need a young male actor... Freddie Highmore!"
"But wouldn't it be easier to find twins who can act?"
"Your fired!"

What's Cooking? | I can't remember what was cooking but it was a damn fine movie.

The Changeling | It creeped me out a lot... just like Christopher Walken!

The Devil's Backbone | It was really good but I didn't really enjoy it that much... probably because I failed Spanish.

Lars and the Real Girl | It was awesome and I could totally relate to the main character... yes, its true, I'm very screwed up. In fact I'm so screwed up I can even relate to Dexter Morgan.

Thank You for Smoking | Aaron Eckhart has such an innocent looking face. If I saw him rob a bank I'd lie and say someone else did it... oh yeah, the movie was pretty good too.

Waitress | It was pretty great but I wanted to punch Keri Russell... because of Felicity.

That's all for now bitches!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

My Big Waste of Time and Money

These are basically all the TV shows I've watched and generally enjoyed. Heroes would be the exception cause I didn't enjoy watching it.
I own most of these shows shows on DVD and I'll be opening a library called "Mastertastic's Library of Television".
When it says "every episode" that means I've watched every episode, unless its still on the air.
When it says "only a few episodes" that means I've only watched a few episodes but I intend to watch the rest eventually.
When it says "in the middle" that means I own it and I'm currently watching it.
When it says "CRAZY PETE TOUCHED ME IN MY DANGER AREA" that means you need to take less drugs.
If it doesn't say anything then that means I've probably watched most of it.
I may have left a few shows off because I forgot about them.

30 Rock

Alias | Every episode

Alien Nation | Only a few episodes

Aliens in America | Only a few episodes

Angel | Every episode

Arrested Development | Every episode

Batman Beyond | Every episode

Battlestar Galactica

Beauty and the Beast | Only a few episodes but in the middle


Buffy the Vampire Slayer | Every episode

Castle | Only a few episodes

Cupid (2009) | Only a few episodes

Damages | Only a few episodes

Dark Angel | Every episode

Dead Like Me | Every episode



Eureka | Only a few episodes

Felicity | In the middle

Firefly | Every episode

Freaks and Geeks | Every episode

Futurama | Every episode

Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex

Gossip Girl | Only a few episodes

Green Acres

Harsh Realm | In the middle


How I Met Your Mother

I Love Lucy

Invasion | In the middle

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Jekyll | Only a few episodes

Joan of Arcadia | In the middle

Justice League / Justice League Unlimited | Every episode

Kath & Kim | Every episode

Kingdom Hospital | Every episode


Millennium | Every episode

Miracles | Every episode


Moonlighting | In the middle

Night Stalker (2005) | Every episode

Northern Exposure | Only a few episodes

Party Down

Point Pleasant | Only a few episodes

Police Squad! | Every episode

Popular | Every episode


Pushing Daisies


Robot Chicken

Sit Down, Shut Up

Sledge Hammer

Space: Above and Beyond | Only a few episodes

Strangers with Candy | Only a few episodes


Surface | Every episode

Teen Titans | Every episode

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles | Every episode

The 4400 | Every episode

The Brak Show

The Lone Gumen | Every episode

The Middleman | Only a few episodes

The Simpsons

The X-Files | Every episode

Threshold | Every episode

Tru Calling | In the middle

Twin Peaks | Every episode

Ultraviolet | Only a few episodes

Veronica Mars | Every episode


Wonderfalls | Every episode

I'd like to dedicate this blog post to Mandrake3k cause he said this to me on Twitter: "You watch a lot of TV"

Thursday, June 11, 2009

94 Awful Short Movie Reviews: Part Orange

Thanks to Netflix (and my mutant ability to waste incredibly large amounts of time) I've watched a gianomicus amount of movies recently. So I thought it would be a "good idea" to blog about all 94 movies. Since there's so many movies and whale meat is too expensive, I'm not going to be saying a whole lot... well, unless I really hated a certain movie. Yes, I'm talking about you Battlefield Earth! So yeah... feel free to share these on Twitter or Facebook... (Yeah, right! Like that's gonna happen!)

Misery | Its should have been called Happiness because it made me happy! (The first one is always the stupidest.)

Spy Hard | Weird Al and Leslie Nielsen were great... but it sucked! Stephanie Romanov, who played Lilah Morgan in Angel, looked really beautiful though.

Mafia! | It was like two undercover hookers raising a kangaroo on the International Space Station. So yeah, it was hilarious.

Superhero Movie | It was really funny and made Spider-Man look like crap... yeah, that's really no that hard to do.

Top Secret! | Like two penguins at a strip club, it made me laugh!

Deep Blue Sea | Jaws + Aliens = Deep Blue Sea... and Thomas Jane can kick your butt!

The Host | Probably the only good thing to come out of South Korea... well, besides american cartoons.

The Relic | Entertaining but flawed. It was kind of like the original Playstation.

Baby Mama | With a few minor adjustments it could have been called 30 Rock: Baby Mama... and 30 Rock is awesome so yeah...

Leviathan | It started out good than gave me food poisoning.

Aliens vs. Predator 2 | It didn't make much sense but it was entertaining... kind of like Mouse Trap. Also the entire movie was based around a gimmick... just like Mouse Trap!

Southland Tales | It was awesome but it almost seemed like Richard Kelly didn't want you to know it was awesome. It was like a secret or something.

Hero | Wow! That's great wire work!

Speed Racer | Everyone's been lying about this movie. It's truly whack-a-mole! (Note: "Whack-a-mole" means awesome!)

House of Flying Daggers | Wow! That's great wire work!

Network | Hmm... it was well made but it made me mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!

Blue Velvet | It was hella-tight! (Note: Hella-tight basically means whatever you want it to.)

Dear Me: A Blogger's Tale | Felicia Day makes every movie awesome!

When Harry Met Sally | It was okay but its not my type of movie. My type of movies don't have Billy Crystal in them. Monsters, Inc. is the exception because you don't actually have to look at him.

Fargo | Hmm... okay, it was good but I'm never going to watch it again.

The War of the Worlds | It was great for the time but back then everything pretty much sucked donkey balls.

28 Weeks Later | Sweet Zombie Revenge!

Carrie (2002) | This was a backdoor pilot. Why wasn't this made into a TV series? Because it was too awesome! A TV series would have melted everyone's face!

In the Mouth of Madness | Okay... I like meta-fiction but when a movie has something rip its way out the pages of a book it automatically sucks donkey balls!

Stephen King's It | They did their best but it kind of sucked a lot. At one point you can even see the shadow of the cameraman holding the camera... or something like that.

30 Days of Night | It beats the crap out of almost every vampire movie in the history of time and space.

The Incredible Hulk | It made about as much sense as a laundromat... Wait! Laundromats make a lot of cents! Crap! I need to start doing more research. (Note: I realize that's not very funny.)

Jacob's Ladder | It was pretty good but the ending pissed me off so much! Plus it made me wait to throw up a few times.

Hairspray | John Travolta makes one magnificent big fat lady! A+

Resident Evil: Degeneration | The CG was good but not great. The plot was entertaining though.

Prairie Fever | Once again Felicia Day makes every movie awesome!

Okay that was 21 movies, but don't worry 'cause there's more awful short movie reviews to come. Plus you'll also get to learn about my disturbing fascination with Winona Ryder.

Born on the 10th of June

Tom Cruise sucks! Yes its true. He was always my least favorite leprechaun. I lost interest in the Leprechaun franchsie because of him. What a bastard! Next time I ask the operator for a good time I won't be expecting Tom Cruise. That's right, I make more sense then I can count a stick at.

I'd like to dedicate this blog post to Neptunegrand.