Thursday, November 26, 2009

Felicia Day Is The Real Deal

Way back during that three day shoot for The Guild's second season here at my apartment complex, something special happened.
Here's a tale of misunderstanding, understanding, and kindness:

On the first day of the shoot I had a hard time fitting in with the crew which makes sense. I obviously didn't belong. Around lunchtime I had finally infiltrated myself amongst the guys who moved the lights around.

At some point Felicia came over and told everybody that they needed to be quieter. (I have a hard time recalling exactly what people say to me. That also goes for what I've said too so bear with me.) I responded to that by saying that I didn't see any problem with how loud everybody was talking. Then I asked her if one of the residents had said something to her because they should have come to me about it. Felicia said no. It was just something she wanted the crew to do. I then said something about how it really wasn't a problem. Then Felicia said that I was undermining her. (At that point some of the crew made that weird sound people make when they find out somebody's in trouble.) That made me feel really stupid because that's exactly what I was doing. I shouldn't have been saying that because she's the BOSS. She wanted the crew to be quieter. I didn't need to open my big mouth and say that what she wanted wasn't necessary.

After that I ended up mostly staying in my apartment and by the end of the day I started having one of my trademark identity crises. I kept questioning who I was. Why would I have done something like that? The real me wouldn't have done that. I also kept beating myself up over what happened. "You're so stupid. You're so stupid."

When the crew started packing up I was sitting outside next to my apartment. I was kind of huddled up with my back against the wall. "You're so stupid. You're so stupid." I watched crew members carrying stuff down the stairs and then I saw Felicia walking towards me. (Now remember I can't recall exactly what either of us said.) She came over to say goodbye to me but she noticed something was wrong and asked me if I was okay. I said no and then she asked me what was bothering me. I told her that I didn't want to bother her with it. She seemed really concerned though so I ended up telling her. While explaining and also apologizing, for what I'd said earlier, I broke down in tears. (I'm a very emotional person.)

I told her about what I'd really been trying to say at lunchtime. (I usually have a really hard time saying exactly what I want to say because my mind is constantly all over the place. It's extremely hard to focus my thoughts into one coherent thought or argument. Because of that I end up sounding kinda stupid sometimes and I also say more than I really should or need to say.) What I'd wanted to say was this: If a resident had been complaining I wanted to know about it. The residents didn't have any right to complain to Felicia or one of the crew members because we have this weird rule that says that the kids who live here can make as much noise as they want from sometime in the morning till 8:00 PM.

I also ended up telling Felicia about this thing I do to myself. I've said or done a lot of stupid, rude, and mean things in my life either in person or on message boards or wherever and I remember those things very clearly. I agonize over them and mentally abuse myself because of them. They're always there at the back of my mind and I can't seem to get rid of them.

Well Felicia started off by explaining that the whole "undermining" comment was suppose to be a joke and she admitted that it wasn't a very funny one. And she apologized for saying that in front of the crew. Felicia also addressed my mental abuse thing and what she said about it was really comforting. (I'm not gonna go into detail about what she said because some of it was personal type stuff.) On some level she understands what that's like but she told me that I just can't let myself focus on it. That all made me feel a lot better and when she could tell I was gonna be okay she left. (After this talk I stopped beating myself up about what happened that day and its become easier for me to ignore that kind of negative thinking in general.)

This all took about ten minutes. It might have been longer. The thing is Felicia took time to help me feel better even though she was very busy. She could have just said "there there" and left but she didn't. She honestly cared about me and wanted to make sure I was gonna be okay.

I read a comment on the internet a couple days ago about how Felicia seems "abit phony" and that's why I wrote this. She's not pretending to be a sweetheart. She is a sweetheart. She's not pretending to be a geek. She is a geek. She's not pretending to be anything. Felicia Day is who she says she is and she's the most genuine person I've ever met.

1 comment:

Mary Higgins said...

Sorry you had an off moment, and so glad that you had the opportunity to talk it through.