Thursday, June 11, 2009

94 Awful Short Movie Reviews: Part Orange

Thanks to Netflix (and my mutant ability to waste incredibly large amounts of time) I've watched a gianomicus amount of movies recently. So I thought it would be a "good idea" to blog about all 94 movies. Since there's so many movies and whale meat is too expensive, I'm not going to be saying a whole lot... well, unless I really hated a certain movie. Yes, I'm talking about you Battlefield Earth! So yeah... feel free to share these on Twitter or Facebook... (Yeah, right! Like that's gonna happen!)

Misery | Its should have been called Happiness because it made me happy! (The first one is always the stupidest.)

Spy Hard | Weird Al and Leslie Nielsen were great... but it sucked! Stephanie Romanov, who played Lilah Morgan in Angel, looked really beautiful though.

Mafia! | It was like two undercover hookers raising a kangaroo on the International Space Station. So yeah, it was hilarious.

Superhero Movie | It was really funny and made Spider-Man look like crap... yeah, that's really no that hard to do.

Top Secret! | Like two penguins at a strip club, it made me laugh!

Deep Blue Sea | Jaws + Aliens = Deep Blue Sea... and Thomas Jane can kick your butt!

The Host | Probably the only good thing to come out of South Korea... well, besides american cartoons.

The Relic | Entertaining but flawed. It was kind of like the original Playstation.

Baby Mama | With a few minor adjustments it could have been called 30 Rock: Baby Mama... and 30 Rock is awesome so yeah...

Leviathan | It started out good than gave me food poisoning.

Aliens vs. Predator 2 | It didn't make much sense but it was entertaining... kind of like Mouse Trap. Also the entire movie was based around a gimmick... just like Mouse Trap!

Southland Tales | It was awesome but it almost seemed like Richard Kelly didn't want you to know it was awesome. It was like a secret or something.

Hero | Wow! That's great wire work!

Speed Racer | Everyone's been lying about this movie. It's truly whack-a-mole! (Note: "Whack-a-mole" means awesome!)

House of Flying Daggers | Wow! That's great wire work!

Network | Hmm... it was well made but it made me mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!

Blue Velvet | It was hella-tight! (Note: Hella-tight basically means whatever you want it to.)

Dear Me: A Blogger's Tale | Felicia Day makes every movie awesome!

When Harry Met Sally | It was okay but its not my type of movie. My type of movies don't have Billy Crystal in them. Monsters, Inc. is the exception because you don't actually have to look at him.

Fargo | Hmm... okay, it was good but I'm never going to watch it again.

The War of the Worlds | It was great for the time but back then everything pretty much sucked donkey balls.

28 Weeks Later | Sweet Zombie Revenge!

Carrie (2002) | This was a backdoor pilot. Why wasn't this made into a TV series? Because it was too awesome! A TV series would have melted everyone's face!

In the Mouth of Madness | Okay... I like meta-fiction but when a movie has something rip its way out the pages of a book it automatically sucks donkey balls!

Stephen King's It | They did their best but it kind of sucked a lot. At one point you can even see the shadow of the cameraman holding the camera... or something like that.

30 Days of Night | It beats the crap out of almost every vampire movie in the history of time and space.

The Incredible Hulk | It made about as much sense as a laundromat... Wait! Laundromats make a lot of cents! Crap! I need to start doing more research. (Note: I realize that's not very funny.)

Jacob's Ladder | It was pretty good but the ending pissed me off so much! Plus it made me wait to throw up a few times.

Hairspray | John Travolta makes one magnificent big fat lady! A+

Resident Evil: Degeneration | The CG was good but not great. The plot was entertaining though.

Prairie Fever | Once again Felicia Day makes every movie awesome!

Okay that was 21 movies, but don't worry 'cause there's more awful short movie reviews to come. Plus you'll also get to learn about my disturbing fascination with Winona Ryder.

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